Job Search - James Harrison

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison just can't catch a break. Harrison's pockets are $100,000 lighter after NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell changed the rules and fines for tackles deemed dangerous on the fly. And that $100,000 fine is just for 3 tackles! Obviously upset with the NFL's treatment, Harrison is thinking of retiring from Bloodsport Human Cockfighting Football. Well if Harrison has decided to retire, we at Gimme Some Onions! have a few possible career choices for Harrison to consider.

Human ICBM – Harrison has no problem with trying to make a wide receiver’s face explode. Put a jetpack on him and let him go right at those terrorists.

Any Position in Blackwater – Harrison is a perfect fit for this private military company. He believes all his actions are legal despite authority figures feeling differently.

Guide for General Zaroff's Hunting Safari - Harrison does not even need a gun or knife to go hunting. Just give the man a helmet and he will kill all the prey on the reserve.

Aztec War General - The Aztecs instituted a series of mutually agreed upon "Flower Wars" with their neighbors. The soul purpose of these wars was to capture enemies for civic rituals and sacrifices. If Harrison was from Central Mexico in the 1490s there is no way Spain colonizes the Americas and Harrison's image becomes standard for all depictions of Huitzilopochtli, the Aztec God of War. (Don't say you never learned nothing by visiting Gimme Some Onions!)

Security Guard at Your Local Mall – Shoplifters will never have a chance. Here's a recipe for real damage: An Ex-NFL linebacker, a regular schmuck, and the hard ground of the parking lot or mall floor. It's going down like a Nitti beat...

Replacement for Nigel de Jong – It was rumored that Manchester City midfielder Nigel de Jong could be suspended for a period for his tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa. Should Netherlands Coach Bert van Marwijk drops de Jong from the national team squad Harrison would be the perfect replacement. While Harrison focuses on the facial region of an opponent, de Jong goes straight for the legs. De Jong lives to break the bones in opponents’ legs. Harrison lives to injure other players. How could Harrison not be the perfect replacement for de Jong?

Professional Wrestler – Harrison does not even have to act. He is a natural at complaining that higher ups are keeping him down. He could ask Shawn Merriman or Brian Cushing for help at scoring some 'roids. This might be a match.
 

Michael Vick’s Dog Trainer - Oops, this position was recently eliminated.