Weekend Onions!

This weekend treated us to two play calls that demanded Onions! recognition.

Let's set the stage for Notre Dame @ Michigan State:

• In their half of the first overtime, Michigan State needs a field goal to extend the game into a second overtime and a touchdown to win.
• QB Kirk Cousins is sacked for a 9 yd loss on 3rd and 5. MSU faces a 4th and 14 on the ND 29 yard line.
• Enter evil genius head coach, Mike Dantonio.

So what looks like a routine 46 yard field goal ends up going down like this.

Mike Dantonio you get to do the patented Sam Cassell "Balls Dance" demonstrated here by Kobe Bryant (calm down Kobe haters, I couldn't find Cassell actually doing this dance online so I went with Kobe Bean. If anyone finds Sam doing this dance, I'll gladly swap links since Sam did invent the dance).

In fact, this play call required Dantonio to summon so much power from his onions that he actually had a heart attack, everyone knows that when you go use Onions! it's a physically taxing event (kind of like having sex with Fat Bastard). Now doctors with all their "fancy learnin" and "degrees" will try to tell you that things like "heredity", "diet" and "physical fitness" were responsible for Dantonio's heart attack but we hear at Gimme Some Onions! know the real story. We wish coach Dantonio the speediest recovery and hope that there are more Onions! plays like this in the future (minus the whole heart attack situation).

Our second Onions! call of the weekend came courtesy of the Houston Texans.

The Texans who regularly never start their season 2-0, improved their record to 2-0 for the first time after head coach Gary Kubiak decided that he was going to do his best Blazing Saddles impersonation and went for broke late in the 4th quarter.

"First downs? We don't need no stinkin first downs, we need TOUCH DOWNS!"

I'll bullet point summary this one too:

• After 3 straight incompletions, the Texans face a 4th and 10 from the Redskins 34.
• Trailing 20-27 with just over 2 minutes left, the Texans have to go for it here or it's game over
• Time-out, Texans. Gary Kubiak eats his mushrooms and grows some Onions!
• Next play, Matt Schaub (38/52, 497 yards and 3 TDs) launches a 34 yard strike to WR Andre Johnson and this game is headed into overtime.

We here at Onions! know that Onions! equals victory, and the Texans prevailed 30-27 in overtime after some overtime shenanigans of their own (discussed below).

This game had a cameo from the sweet/vengeful karma gods. Resident  NFL coach d-bag, Mike Shanahan,  inventor of one of my least favorite plays in football had his comeuppance with karma (try to read what I assume is his self-authored bio. If you feel like you will get overwhelmed with the desire to gouge your eyes out and stop, I will understand.  Shanahan must be feeling himself like he lost his keys. How else do you explain him remembering, to a tenth of yardage, how many yards per game the 1977 North Arizona Lumberjacks averaged when he was only the BACKFIELD COACH???). You know what play I'm talking about, the one where the kicker thinks that he's hit a game winning field-goal, but the rival head coach has actually called a time-out with one second left on the clock. That way, there is not enough time to stop the play from happening so the soon-to-be aborted play continues as planned, but the game winning field-goal will have to be attempted again. Well, this time, karma reared its beautiful/ugly head when Kubiak used this method to nullify what would have been a game winning 52 yard field-goal by Redskins kicker Graham Gano in overtime. That's right Shanahan, karma is a bitch and apparently that bitch has it out for you...