Weekend Preview

This weekend features some great games in the English Premier League, College Football and the NFL (note: always the NFL, never the "NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" like every annoying ESPN analyst who used to play says it). Here's the rundown:

Arsenal v. Chelsea
Sunday, 11:00 AM EST

We’re basically through 1/5 of the EPL season (matchweek 7 of 38) and this game will have important implications for the rest of the season. League leaders Chelsea return to their home stadium at Stamford Bridge eager to right the ship following their first defeat of the season last week against nouveau riche(st) Manchester City, (shoutout to ESPN's David Hirshey for coining the witty term "nouveau richest". I will be co-opting and using it in the foreseeable future). No, chicken little, the sky is not falling but after tallying 21 goals in 5 matches Chelsea should be concerned that they did not seriously trouble Man City at all last weekend in a 1-0 loss. And it’s not like Man City has an impenetrable back 4 as this Kolo Toure – Joe Hart blunder shows

Meanwhile, Arsenal looks to bring the noise  and pull within one point of Chelsea. Arsenal is nursing an unreal amount of injuries as captain Cesc Fabregas, speed merchant Theo Walcott and brainy defender Thomas Vermaelan are all likely to be out. All of these injuries are problematic for Arsenal, but the Vermaelan one has some humor in it. His unfortunate injury has forced (French) Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to field an all-French back four of Bacary  Sagna, Laurent Koscielny, Sebastien Squillaci and Gael Clichy. The prospect of four French defenders protecting goal keeper Manuel Almunia is like Lindsay Lohan running a rehab facility: things are supposed to stay out but you'll know they'll get in somehow...

Will Chelsea re-stake a claim to wrapping up the EPL championship by Thanksgiving (and send Arsenal 7 points adrift at the same time)? Will Arsenal stop being a tease and make claims of bringing back their first trophy to the Emirates since 2005 a serious statement? Will I get serious and stop asking questions?

Philadelphia Eagles v. Washington Redskins
Sunday, 4:15 PM EST, Fox

Well, this is awkward. Recently deposed Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb returns to the city that he helped lead to 4 consecutive NFC championship games and 1 Superbowl (where McNabb's nervousness in the clutch caused this to allegedly happened. Yes, I recycled that link. No, I don’t give a damn). For the first time in his career, McNabb will suit up in the visitor's locker room as a member of the Washington Redskins.

Meanwhile, on the Philadelphia sideline Kevin Kolb, McNabb’s heir apparent, is back to clipboard holding duty after 10 stellar quarters from none other than…

Michael Vick? The Vick experience is back and it’s not Michael Vick as his alter ego Ron Mexico; it’s video game Vick from Madden circa 2003 (What’s the deal with the pseudonym Ron Mexico? Was it because Mike Honcho was already taken?). Through two and a half games this year, Vick has compiled 750 passing yards and 6 TDs versus 0 INTs. Additionally he's run for 170 yards and another TD. Most impressive is Vick's completion percentage is at 61.5%, more than 10% higher than his career completion percentage of 51.4%.

The list of subplots in this game is long and distinguished, like my Johnson

• Will a great game by Donovan McNabb cause the heads of many Eagles faithful to explode after witnessing a result they advocated for years (getting rid of McNabb)  take place (Please God, let this happen. Eagles fans are the worse. Like these guys)
• Will Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan ask for the yardage gained to be measured by the tenth? (See the bottom of this post for insight into why I can't stand Shanahan)
• Will Michael Vick continue his unholy alliance with the devil and continue playing out of his cranium? I know I’m tired of asking questions so hopefully this game produces some answers. I'm excited to see this one play out

#9 Stanford versus #4 Oregon
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST, ESPN

This game is a harbinger of things to come for the rest of the college football season. First, no more Cupcake State on the schedule, real programs with real aspirations of a BCS bowl are going to be playing opponents from places you’ve heard of (no more playing “Duke” for you Alabama). Secondly, rivalry games and conference/regional games will dominate the schedule. The first Saturday in October is famous for the Red River Shoot between Texas and Oklahoma (Just broke my vow to pretend that Texas has stopped playing football this year until they stop losing to 21 point underdogs at HOME. FML) Additionally, the whole month of October is filled with equally appetizing rivalries such as Alabama - Florida, LSU - Arkansas and Florida State - Miami to name a few.

Oregon boasts some statistics that are truly laughable on paper. Last week, the Ducks entered their Pac-10 home opener against Arizona State with the #1 scoring offense AND #1 scoring defense in the conference. They did this by playing New Mexico (72-0) and Tennessee (48-13) and Portland state (69-0). That is the football equivalent of handing a smallpox laden blanket to a Native American in the 1600s…

Stanford might be better than we previously thought. Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, told his team that "no one on the corner has swagga like us" and the Cardinal are playing like it. Stanford scores early and often like they're in a crack den with Amy Winehouse (what happened to her?). So far, they havesteamrolled through their schedule, most notably pounding UCLA 35-0 at UCLA. This is the same UCLA team that beat #7 Texas in Austin last weekend (Ugh. I just broke the “don’t mention Texas football pact” I made with myself again. One more time and I have to get a tattoo of Roseanne on my chest like Tom Arnold. Wait, he didn’t do that because he lost a dare? He was married to her? Damnnnnnn)

Expect the scoreboard to get blown and both teams to be doing it. Doing it allll night long...