Who is writing this stuff?

It was the most surreal 90 seconds of football I’ve ever seen. Down 2 goals to 1 in extra time against Queens Park Rangers, Manchester City was getting anxious. The best team that (oil) money can buy, including a bench that is paid 6 times more than what some clubs pay their entire teams, desperately needed 2 goals to end a 44 year title drought. Without those two precious goals, the noisy neighbors would have climbed into a self-made grave faster than Joaquin Phoenix’s career. Losing to a newly promoted team at home, title within grasp, is the kind of incompetence the media salivates over.

Enter: Edin Dzeko, header, 92^nd minute

Goosebumps. Manchester City didn’t believe that they could win this, did they? But the belief was obvious in their play, primadonnas transformed in Maradonas, attacking every ball with the abandon of Diego Maradona crossed with Tony Montana. That led to this surreal movement down the pitch:

And Manchester City’s first title since 1968. What can fans of the most popular sport on the planet expect from the Barclay’s Premier League this year?

New players

As usual, the summer transfer market reads like a Christmas wish list. Sergio Aguero, scorer of that crucial 3^rd goal for Manchester City at the Etihad, was one of the new toys in the 2011-2012 season. Now Aguero will play Woody to the Buzz Lightyear presence of Premier League neophytes Edin Hazard (£32 million, Chelsea), Oscar (£25 million, Chelsea), Olivier Giroud (Arsenal, £12 million), Lukas Podoloski (Arsenal, £11.9 million), Santi Cazorla (Arsenal, £16.5 million),  Ron Vlaar (Aston Villa, £3 million), Fabio Borini (Liverpool, £10 million), Shinji Kagawa (Manchester United, £17 million), Vurnon Anita (Newcastle, £6.6 million), Jan Vertonghen (Tottenham, £9.5 million) and Gylfi Sigurdsson (Tottenham, £8 million).

Same face/different place

Additionally, it wouldn’t be the BPL without some familiar faces playing in unfamiliar jerseys. Fans are the biggest casualty of the transfer market as they endured the departure of Luka Modric from Tottenham to Chelsea, Everton’s Jack Rodwell decision to wear Manchester City blue, Joe Allen looking for greener pastures as he leaves Swansea City for Liverpool and a strangely consistent storyline for Arsenal fans, the departure of their captain. This time, former-captain Robin van Persie bids Arsene and Co. adieu and jumps ship to join Manchester United. Gunner fans would be near catatonic if they hadn’t seen the departure of Thierry Henry, Ashley Cole, Samir Nasri and Cesc Fabregas in recent years.

This season promises outstanding team performances, otherworldly individual efforts and world-class football that is a staple of the Premier League fan’s diet. But the uncertainty, drama and possibility that the history books will be rewritten by a mere 90 seconds on the pitch are what fans truly crave. Where will you be during extra time of the last Premier League match on May 19^th 2013? I hope you’re waking up early like me, wondering “who is writing this stuff?” 

DTF Athlete of the Month

Guess what is making an appearance a month after the last time you saw it? No, I'm not talking about the reason you get penicillin from your pharmacist (what happens in Cancun doesn't really stay in Cancun), I'm talking about the DTF Athlete of the Month Award! For those of you unsure why this award is handed out, check out this post for a brief description of the award and our first winner.

Wow. So many people to choose from this month.  Our eventual winner laid claim to this honor in early September, but several worthy challengers emerged during the month. I'll start out with the honorable mention before I give our winner the attention that he deserves.

2nd Runner-up
Karen F. Owen

I already know what you're going to say, "she's not an athlete" and "she shouldn't have her sex life examined in this forum". To which I reply, "Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!" Owen's fake Duke senior thesis on "horizontal academics" demonstrates her willingness to take hook-ups from the casual to the absurd; in many ways, her profound commitment to jersey chasing is turning the endeavor into a sport. Now, I don't want to turn this site into a gossip rag (I do want to hold on to some kind of "journalistic integrity"), but I had to find out what Karen Owen looks like (that matters, doesn't it? I'm not a sexist pig for wondering what she looks like, right? Moving on). I was able to track down this picture; Ms. Owen is the brunette on the left (please don't keep all the jokes about the blonde on the right to yourself. I wanna hear them!)  I salute you Karen F. Owen (wonder what the "F." stands for...). Hopefully reports that you'll get a book or movie deal  are accurate because you are not really that employable right now.

1st Runner-up
Carlos Salcido

Salcido, a Mexican international and defender for Fulham in the English Premier League, is fighting allegations that he hooked up with a transvestite in a now infamous Mexican team party that resulted in the suspension of 13 players on the Mexican national team (I would want to party with team Mexico but Jose Cuervo and transvestites is not part of my usual recipe for a good night out). All but one of the suspended players were featured in Mexico's 2010 World Cup roster. Salcido's lady male lady-male friend claims that she pleasured him in a hotel bathroom (always classy) and alerted him a couple days after the encounter about her his her-his sexual identity. There's a picture of the transvestite in the first link. Was Salcido fooled or does he have the worst beer goggles of all-time?

Salcido, however, was not the most DTF player in the EPL this month. That honor goes to England international and Manchester United forward Wayne "Shrek" Rooney.



Rooney is the subject of recent tabloid fodder (what was that I said about not turning this site into a gossip rag...) ever since the revelations of his 1200 pounds a night fling with a prostitute was publicized (Rooney is currently married).This is not the first time Rooney has taken a prostitute to bed. When he was 19 (and unmarried) he admitted to hooking up with a 48 year-old grandmother nicknamed "Auld Slapper" at the relatively inexpensive rate of 45 pounds a night (they practiced division together and figured out that 19 can go into 48 many more times than 48 can go into 19).

In a perfect world, "Shrek's" current personal life should have replaced the alternative ending to Nike's "Just Roo It" commercial. Instead of seeing himself become an overweight groundskeeper as a result of losing the World Cup, Nike should have made the alternate ending for Rooney a future of his life examined by the tabloids and a seat on the Manchester bench because his club manager is too afraid to play him (this is currently the state of affairs for Rooney). Maybe then Rooney might have had a better World Cup showing (0 goals in 4 matches).

Rooney started out brutally unapologetic, like everyone's favorite Aussie party boy, but has since tried to clean things up with his wife and her family, even planning a "second honeymoon" with the Mrs. in a few weekends (Are you taking notes Tiger?). Congratulations to Wayne Rooney, our DTF Athlete of the Month for September!

Weekend Preview

This weekend features some great games in the English Premier League, College Football and the NFL (note: always the NFL, never the "NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" like every annoying ESPN analyst who used to play says it). Here's the rundown:

Arsenal v. Chelsea
Sunday, 11:00 AM EST

We’re basically through 1/5 of the EPL season (matchweek 7 of 38) and this game will have important implications for the rest of the season. League leaders Chelsea return to their home stadium at Stamford Bridge eager to right the ship following their first defeat of the season last week against nouveau riche(st) Manchester City, (shoutout to ESPN's David Hirshey for coining the witty term "nouveau richest". I will be co-opting and using it in the foreseeable future). No, chicken little, the sky is not falling but after tallying 21 goals in 5 matches Chelsea should be concerned that they did not seriously trouble Man City at all last weekend in a 1-0 loss. And it’s not like Man City has an impenetrable back 4 as this Kolo Toure – Joe Hart blunder shows

Meanwhile, Arsenal looks to bring the noise  and pull within one point of Chelsea. Arsenal is nursing an unreal amount of injuries as captain Cesc Fabregas, speed merchant Theo Walcott and brainy defender Thomas Vermaelan are all likely to be out. All of these injuries are problematic for Arsenal, but the Vermaelan one has some humor in it. His unfortunate injury has forced (French) Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to field an all-French back four of Bacary  Sagna, Laurent Koscielny, Sebastien Squillaci and Gael Clichy. The prospect of four French defenders protecting goal keeper Manuel Almunia is like Lindsay Lohan running a rehab facility: things are supposed to stay out but you'll know they'll get in somehow...

Will Chelsea re-stake a claim to wrapping up the EPL championship by Thanksgiving (and send Arsenal 7 points adrift at the same time)? Will Arsenal stop being a tease and make claims of bringing back their first trophy to the Emirates since 2005 a serious statement? Will I get serious and stop asking questions?

Philadelphia Eagles v. Washington Redskins
Sunday, 4:15 PM EST, Fox

Well, this is awkward. Recently deposed Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb returns to the city that he helped lead to 4 consecutive NFC championship games and 1 Superbowl (where McNabb's nervousness in the clutch caused this to allegedly happened. Yes, I recycled that link. No, I don’t give a damn). For the first time in his career, McNabb will suit up in the visitor's locker room as a member of the Washington Redskins.

Meanwhile, on the Philadelphia sideline Kevin Kolb, McNabb’s heir apparent, is back to clipboard holding duty after 10 stellar quarters from none other than…

Michael Vick? The Vick experience is back and it’s not Michael Vick as his alter ego Ron Mexico; it’s video game Vick from Madden circa 2003 (What’s the deal with the pseudonym Ron Mexico? Was it because Mike Honcho was already taken?). Through two and a half games this year, Vick has compiled 750 passing yards and 6 TDs versus 0 INTs. Additionally he's run for 170 yards and another TD. Most impressive is Vick's completion percentage is at 61.5%, more than 10% higher than his career completion percentage of 51.4%.

The list of subplots in this game is long and distinguished, like my Johnson

• Will a great game by Donovan McNabb cause the heads of many Eagles faithful to explode after witnessing a result they advocated for years (getting rid of McNabb)  take place (Please God, let this happen. Eagles fans are the worse. Like these guys)
• Will Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan ask for the yardage gained to be measured by the tenth? (See the bottom of this post for insight into why I can't stand Shanahan)
• Will Michael Vick continue his unholy alliance with the devil and continue playing out of his cranium? I know I’m tired of asking questions so hopefully this game produces some answers. I'm excited to see this one play out

#9 Stanford versus #4 Oregon
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST, ESPN

This game is a harbinger of things to come for the rest of the college football season. First, no more Cupcake State on the schedule, real programs with real aspirations of a BCS bowl are going to be playing opponents from places you’ve heard of (no more playing “Duke” for you Alabama). Secondly, rivalry games and conference/regional games will dominate the schedule. The first Saturday in October is famous for the Red River Shoot between Texas and Oklahoma (Just broke my vow to pretend that Texas has stopped playing football this year until they stop losing to 21 point underdogs at HOME. FML) Additionally, the whole month of October is filled with equally appetizing rivalries such as Alabama - Florida, LSU - Arkansas and Florida State - Miami to name a few.

Oregon boasts some statistics that are truly laughable on paper. Last week, the Ducks entered their Pac-10 home opener against Arizona State with the #1 scoring offense AND #1 scoring defense in the conference. They did this by playing New Mexico (72-0) and Tennessee (48-13) and Portland state (69-0). That is the football equivalent of handing a smallpox laden blanket to a Native American in the 1600s…

Stanford might be better than we previously thought. Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, told his team that "no one on the corner has swagga like us" and the Cardinal are playing like it. Stanford scores early and often like they're in a crack den with Amy Winehouse (what happened to her?). So far, they havesteamrolled through their schedule, most notably pounding UCLA 35-0 at UCLA. This is the same UCLA team that beat #7 Texas in Austin last weekend (Ugh. I just broke the “don’t mention Texas football pact” I made with myself again. One more time and I have to get a tattoo of Roseanne on my chest like Tom Arnold. Wait, he didn’t do that because he lost a dare? He was married to her? Damnnnnnn)

Expect the scoreboard to get blown and both teams to be doing it. Doing it allll night long...

Golazooooooo!

Warning: English Premier League announcers save your voices. You'll be off the air in a couple of weeks if you celebrate goals like this guy
 

It's only matchweek 3, but this EPL season is pregnant with the promise of a year with great scoring (that's the first time all year someone has combined "English Premier League" and "pregnant" without mentioning Gabby Abonlahor. Wait, I mentioned Abonlahor, damn...)

The four 6-0 margins witnessed this year are FOUR OF THE TWENTY 6-0 games in the HISTORY of the Premier League. The next logical question is what does all this scoring mean? Well, for American sports fans with ADD/ADHD, this means that soccer is more watchable. And after the huge audience/ratings of the World Cup, maybe this is finally the year that soccer "arrives". Of course soccer has been trying to "arrive" in the U.S. since the 1970s, so don't hold your breath.

For more seasoned viewers, analysis of this recent goal binge breaks down into two competing views. The first view argues that this goal-fest is indicative of an approach where more teams are playing to win instead of playing not to lose. Sports Illustrated's Georgina Turner believes that teams are making it rain goals because their opponents are chasing the game at scores that they would normally change their strategy and pack it in and start playing hyper-defensively. In the old days, teams like Blackpool, West Brom and Wigan would play it more conservatively than a Tea Party candidate on Fox News when they fell behind 2-0. Now these same teams are playing with more reckless abandon than a drunk guy at Coachella and find themselves on the wrong side of some truly lopsided results.

Alternatively, the explosion in goals can be seen as evidence for the growing gulf between the EPL's haves and have-nots. Jonathan Wilson, also with Sports Illustrated, writes that these one-sided margins are part of a growing trend in the EPL that is decades old. In 1995, Blackburn was the first and last team to win the EPL that was not named Arsenal, Chelsea, or Manchester United. Let's take a look at some of the good statistical knowledge that Wilson drops to try to explain the widening gap between the EPL's elite sides and the rest:

• The gap between 1st  and 4th is growing
• "Between 1999 and 2003, the average gap between first and fourth in England was 16 points, and between first and fifth 20.4. In the following five seasons, those averages increased to 24 and 29.6, respectively, proof of an ever-stretching league"
• The gap between 4th and 4th from the bottom is also growing
• "In 2007-08, the team finishing fourth in the Premier League, Liverpool, averaged 1.05 points per game more than the side finishing fourth from the bottom, Fulham, the greatest such separation in Europe's major four leagues over the past decade"

As with most competing theories, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle (insert crude joke here)....although I think Wilson is closer to getting it right. What do y'all think?