College Football Update

It’s early August and you know what time it is! The College football season is less than 3 weeks away; time for the first USA Today poll.  The top 10 includes several established programs with big-time reputations:

1. LSU
2. Alabama
3. Southern California
4. Oklahoma
5. Oregon
6. Georgia
7. Florida State
8. Michigan
9. South Carolina
10. Arkansas

One thing, rather, one conference sticks out from that list and it’s a movie we’ve all seen before. And like Hollywood executives, this conference didn’t even bother to change the name of the movie (bet you've never heard of Total Recall (2012), Robocop (2013) or Dirty Dancing (2014)).The last 6 national championship winners hail from the SEC (2011 - Alabama), SEC (2010 - Auburn), SEC (2009 - Alabama), SEC (2008 – Florida), SEC (2007 – LSU), and SEC (2006 - Florida). Scripting the national championship never seemed so easy. Pick the best team from the SEC and crown their ass!

The SEC appears formidable in 2012; this year, the conference is home to 5 of the top 10 teams with last year’s national championship contenders, LSU and Alabama, ranked number 1 and 2; respectively.  The spoils of conference realignment expanded the SEC to include Big-12 defectors Missouri and Texas A&M. Will a 14-team SEC continue to run riot on the other conferences?

Death to the BCS! Once the most lampooned judging system this side of figure skating, the BCS will make way for a 4 team playoff starting in 2014. Although this playoff will upgrade you from the BCS, it is still far from ideal. I’m already suspicious of the currently undesignated committee that will select and seed teams for the playoff. It’s usually a nightmare when strange men act under the cloak of secrecy.  

University of Southern California QB Matt Barkley is the early Onions! front-runner to stiff arm the competition en route to the Heisman. Barkley, a senior, elected to return to USC for his final year and a chance at redemption for a national powerhouse mired in scandal from bowl bans and NCAA investigations.Using plenty of elite talent at the skill positions (it’s still USC), Barkley and the Trojans will impregnate supple defenses with an aerial assault that will ask Heisman voters "who's your daddy?". Look for Barkley to add to the legacy of USC Heisman trophy winners that did or did not win

And it wouldn’t be a college football post without a Fulmer Cup update. For the uninitiated (and those that don’t click the links), Onions! favorite everydayshouldbesaturday.com awards the Fulmer Cup to the Division I program that demonstrates the worst criminal record during the offseason. Highlighted by ex-coach Bobby Petrino’s best Benjamin Button impersonation, the University of Arkansas is running away from the competition like Usain Bolt.

While athletes and coaches misbehaving is sure to dominate the sports news cycle, these individuals don’t commit more crime than the general population. Either way, the Fulmer Cup remains one of my guilty pleasures.

Weekend Preview

This weekend features some great games in the English Premier League, College Football and the NFL (note: always the NFL, never the "NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" like every annoying ESPN analyst who used to play says it). Here's the rundown:

Arsenal v. Chelsea
Sunday, 11:00 AM EST

We’re basically through 1/5 of the EPL season (matchweek 7 of 38) and this game will have important implications for the rest of the season. League leaders Chelsea return to their home stadium at Stamford Bridge eager to right the ship following their first defeat of the season last week against nouveau riche(st) Manchester City, (shoutout to ESPN's David Hirshey for coining the witty term "nouveau richest". I will be co-opting and using it in the foreseeable future). No, chicken little, the sky is not falling but after tallying 21 goals in 5 matches Chelsea should be concerned that they did not seriously trouble Man City at all last weekend in a 1-0 loss. And it’s not like Man City has an impenetrable back 4 as this Kolo Toure – Joe Hart blunder shows

Meanwhile, Arsenal looks to bring the noise  and pull within one point of Chelsea. Arsenal is nursing an unreal amount of injuries as captain Cesc Fabregas, speed merchant Theo Walcott and brainy defender Thomas Vermaelan are all likely to be out. All of these injuries are problematic for Arsenal, but the Vermaelan one has some humor in it. His unfortunate injury has forced (French) Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to field an all-French back four of Bacary  Sagna, Laurent Koscielny, Sebastien Squillaci and Gael Clichy. The prospect of four French defenders protecting goal keeper Manuel Almunia is like Lindsay Lohan running a rehab facility: things are supposed to stay out but you'll know they'll get in somehow...

Will Chelsea re-stake a claim to wrapping up the EPL championship by Thanksgiving (and send Arsenal 7 points adrift at the same time)? Will Arsenal stop being a tease and make claims of bringing back their first trophy to the Emirates since 2005 a serious statement? Will I get serious and stop asking questions?

Philadelphia Eagles v. Washington Redskins
Sunday, 4:15 PM EST, Fox

Well, this is awkward. Recently deposed Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb returns to the city that he helped lead to 4 consecutive NFC championship games and 1 Superbowl (where McNabb's nervousness in the clutch caused this to allegedly happened. Yes, I recycled that link. No, I don’t give a damn). For the first time in his career, McNabb will suit up in the visitor's locker room as a member of the Washington Redskins.

Meanwhile, on the Philadelphia sideline Kevin Kolb, McNabb’s heir apparent, is back to clipboard holding duty after 10 stellar quarters from none other than…

Michael Vick? The Vick experience is back and it’s not Michael Vick as his alter ego Ron Mexico; it’s video game Vick from Madden circa 2003 (What’s the deal with the pseudonym Ron Mexico? Was it because Mike Honcho was already taken?). Through two and a half games this year, Vick has compiled 750 passing yards and 6 TDs versus 0 INTs. Additionally he's run for 170 yards and another TD. Most impressive is Vick's completion percentage is at 61.5%, more than 10% higher than his career completion percentage of 51.4%.

The list of subplots in this game is long and distinguished, like my Johnson

• Will a great game by Donovan McNabb cause the heads of many Eagles faithful to explode after witnessing a result they advocated for years (getting rid of McNabb)  take place (Please God, let this happen. Eagles fans are the worse. Like these guys)
• Will Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan ask for the yardage gained to be measured by the tenth? (See the bottom of this post for insight into why I can't stand Shanahan)
• Will Michael Vick continue his unholy alliance with the devil and continue playing out of his cranium? I know I’m tired of asking questions so hopefully this game produces some answers. I'm excited to see this one play out

#9 Stanford versus #4 Oregon
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST, ESPN

This game is a harbinger of things to come for the rest of the college football season. First, no more Cupcake State on the schedule, real programs with real aspirations of a BCS bowl are going to be playing opponents from places you’ve heard of (no more playing “Duke” for you Alabama). Secondly, rivalry games and conference/regional games will dominate the schedule. The first Saturday in October is famous for the Red River Shoot between Texas and Oklahoma (Just broke my vow to pretend that Texas has stopped playing football this year until they stop losing to 21 point underdogs at HOME. FML) Additionally, the whole month of October is filled with equally appetizing rivalries such as Alabama - Florida, LSU - Arkansas and Florida State - Miami to name a few.

Oregon boasts some statistics that are truly laughable on paper. Last week, the Ducks entered their Pac-10 home opener against Arizona State with the #1 scoring offense AND #1 scoring defense in the conference. They did this by playing New Mexico (72-0) and Tennessee (48-13) and Portland state (69-0). That is the football equivalent of handing a smallpox laden blanket to a Native American in the 1600s…

Stanford might be better than we previously thought. Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, told his team that "no one on the corner has swagga like us" and the Cardinal are playing like it. Stanford scores early and often like they're in a crack den with Amy Winehouse (what happened to her?). So far, they havesteamrolled through their schedule, most notably pounding UCLA 35-0 at UCLA. This is the same UCLA team that beat #7 Texas in Austin last weekend (Ugh. I just broke the “don’t mention Texas football pact” I made with myself again. One more time and I have to get a tattoo of Roseanne on my chest like Tom Arnold. Wait, he didn’t do that because he lost a dare? He was married to her? Damnnnnnn)

Expect the scoreboard to get blown and both teams to be doing it. Doing it allll night long...

College Football Season Preview (Part 2)

Yeah, I know it's been more almost three weeks since College Football Season Preview (Part 1). Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk, but I'm also surprised you lived this long without Part 2 in your life; fear no more, the wait is over.

I received some feedback that I didn't have enough defensive players in Part 1, so I'm gonna represent that side of the field more. For the record, defense is like foreplay, it just fills space between business time (aka OFFENSE).

Defense

Marvin Austin, DE/DT, University of North Carolina
Ok, this is a joke. Austin was supposed to anchor an experienced UNC defense that would terrorize the ACC, but he is currently suspended indefinitely for "trips to Florida parties, California training sessions and his work with a tutor". Additionally, Austin is just one of TWELVE UNC players currently suspended for suspected academic and/or extra-curricular violations. Please excuse UNC head coach Butch Davis as he lights himself on fire.

Marcell Dareus, DE, University of Alabama
This is where a pattern starts. Dareus, the defensive MVP of last year's national championship game (hold on a second I just blacked out while trying to suppress memories of an injured Colt McCoy throwing on the sideline as freshman QB Garret Gilbert threw 4 INTs...and, like your crashed gchat, I'm back!!!), was suspended for the first two games of the season for "receiving preferential treatment and agent benefits, including airfare, lodging, meals and transportation during a pair of Miami trips". As a thinner, faster, more athletic Terrence Cody we'll see Dareus wreak havoc for more than 2 snaps a game.


Akeem Ayers, LB, University of California - Los Angeles
Before I started throwing up Exorcist style when Texas fell behind 21 points AT HOME to UCLA last weekend, I was very impressed with Akeem Ayers performance. I don't know how that game ended because I blacked it out (the second theme of this post), but I imagine Ayers continued throwing UT's offensive lineman around like they were rag dolls. Here's my thought process in trying to describe Ayers: Ever seen Transformers? (the cartoon, not those god awful Michael Bay POS films that keep emptying a theater near you) Ever hungered for energon crystals? Then you'll know that  University of California (Berkeley) alum, Marshawn Lynch says it best: Akeem Ayers style is BEAST MODE.

Prince Amukamara, DB, University of Nebraska
I love the name, you need to have a great name and a healthy ego to play defensive back (Deion Sanders anyone?). Also, Prince's name keeps my dream alive that we will live in a society where I can name my kid "Boss" and no one blinks. Boss Miyagi is a name with street cred (and sounds like a Yakuza gang leader). On a more serious note, Amukamara continues Nebraska's tradition of undeniably dominant defensive players can change the tenor of a game with one play (Amukamara takes over for Ndamukong Suh, the 2nd overall pick in last year's NFL draft). Do not throw to his side of the field. Do not even look to his side of the field. And definitely DO NOT say "what?" when he asks you a question...

Offense

A.J. Green, WR, University of Georgia
Consistent with the theme of this preview, Green is serving a 4 match suspension for a practice that takes place everyday in university athletic stores. Check out Mike Wilbon's take on the ridiculous nature of Green's suspension for selling a game-worn jersey on eBay. On the field, Green uses his 6' 4", 210 lb frame to straight up clown defenders...must be the money.

Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford University
I know, I know Part 1 included three QB's, but I gotta show some love to the Stanford stand-out (also this helps show that I don't have an East Coast bias, I toot it and boot it with the West Coast). Putting Luck on this list took a lot of discipline, because really, I hate Luck for being infinitely smarter than me. Not only does Luck get an elite education at Stanford, but Stanford is in an unincorporated city with its own drinking laws, like no open container violations. When Luck isn't throwing 5 TDs a game and embarrassing ACC weaklings (I'm looking at you Wake Forest), he's known to venture to the main quad and get his freak on.

Michael Floyd, WR, University of Notre Dame
Outside of that one week a year when Michael Floyd is singing Michigan's fight song, Hail to the Victors, in his sleep, (I kid, I kid ND fans, go take pictures in front of Touchdown Jesus and feel better about yourself) Floyd is one of the best deep threat receivers in the country. He doesn't get into off the field shenanigans like former teammate Golden Tate did (Who breaks into donut shops at 3 AM? Who does that? Who has time?!?!) and his on the field production is stronger for it. Do your thing young Floyd

Don't get your hopes up, kids...

Coming into this weekend, I was very excited about 3 inter-conference showdowns. For a long-time follower of college football, these games all had strong historical relevance and to spice up the games, all of these teams were currently ranked in the top 20.

The last time Miami and Ohio State played each other was in the infamous 2002 Fiesta Bowl where Ohio State profited from one of the worst calls in the history of sports and ended up winning 31-24 in 2OT. (Yes, I'm still bitter. In fact, I'm going to continue drinking bitter beer and have my bitter beer face on as I write the rest of this post)

Florida State and Oklahoma last met when they played for the 2001 BCS National Championship (Oklahoma won 13-2) and more recently this game starts a home-and-home for the Seminoles and Sooners with the Sooners traveling to Tallahassee to face the 'Noles in 2011.

Lastly, Penn State and Alabama haven't played each other in decades. But way back in 1978 these two teams played in the Sugar Bowl for the National Championship (Alabama won 14-7). I didn't think all of the games were going to be extremely competitive, but I expected the road teams to at least show up and have more self-respect than Tony Montana in front of a mound of cocaine...

Instead 2 of the 3 games were complete laughers and one of them might've held my interest if Miami's star quarterback, Jacory Harris, didn't make a habit of throwing it to the other team. Let's name the culprits from this past weekend:

• No. 1 Alabama climbed on top of No. 18 State Penn Penn State after they dropped the soap and won 24-3. Penn State's only points came in the 4th quarter  
• No. 10 Oklahoma dropped a bomb on No. 17 Florida State in a 47-17 game. Honestly, the score wasn't that close. FSU scored 10 of it's 17 in the 4th while Oklahoma added a field goal.
• Lastly, No. 2 Ohio State beat it up like gorillas when they faced No. 12 Miami in the Horseshoe. They won by a comfortable margin (36-24) but this game was close for most of the first half with Miami holding the lead twice in the opening 30 minutes. And then Jacory Harris made it rain interceptions...

(I was tempted to include a link to the Fat Joe's "Make it Rain" video there, but I decided to exercise self-restraint. Wait, I don't know what self-restraint is, grab your umbrella here)


Part of the problem with these inter-conference games is that they featured two ACC teams (Miami and Florida State). For those who don't know, the ACC is the conference of hipsters. Apparently, no one cares about winning. Check out some additional ACC results from this past weekend:

• No. 13 Virginia Tech lost to Division II JAMES MADISON in their home opener. I asked a friend to come up with some reasons why this would happen, but then his head exploded. Needless to say, I didn't try to come up with any analysis after that happened.
• No. 15 Georgia Tech tasted defeat after losing to previously win-less Kansas on the road. This is the same Kansas team that lost 6-3 against North Dakota State. I challenge readers to 1. find North Dakota on a map and 2. make me give a damn after doing so.

So after going 0-4 this past weekend, what's the deal with ACC? Let's see how this works out in the Gimme Some Onions! Court of Law:

• Prosecution: The ACC was favored in two games (Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech) and underdogs in the two other matchups (Miami and Florida State). At a minimum, they should've gone 2-2; 0-4 wasn't even part of the plan because JAMES MADISON and KANSAS were on the schedule.
• Defense: 3 of the 4 games were played on the road in tough environments (@ Ohio State, @ Oklahoma, @ Kansas). Ok, so maybe @ Kansas isn't a tough road environment, especially now that Mark Mangino isn't stalking the concessions guy sideline. Either way, home crowds have a way of juicing  the home team, kind of like Ron-Ron Juice...
• Ruling: The ACC is severely overrated and is going to get beat like a red-headed step-child when they play any school that is serious about winning football games. I suggest the ACC start entering it's teams in less competitive sports, like the Hipster Olympics.

College Football Season Preview (Part 1)

Aaaand because I'm lazy and waited until the end of the season's first week, this is going to be a review as well...

Let's kick things off with the preview:

But before we do, I wanna get this off my chest:

This season marks the end of an era in many ways. Big-time players that you either hated or loved (Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Jimmy Clausen) are gone and the turnover from underclassmen entering the draft means that many traditional names that "reload and don't rebuild" (Texas, Alabama, Florida, etc.) are starting guys who were riding pine the last few seasons or are freshman. It’s going to be a wide open year and I can’t wait to be a part of all the ridiculousness. And by be a part of it, I mean the illegal work that I did with a sports agent to get a ton of players suspended (here’s looking at you UNC, South Carolina and Alabama)

Also, this FCS - FBS division thing  is a joke, Gimme Some Onions! articles are going with the (if it ain't broke, don't fix it) names of Division I, II, and III. That's right, we're gonna talk about Division I football, this ain't intramurals brother...

Players to watch (not in any particular order, this list is a combination of players I expect to be very entertaining/productive. This is not a Heisman (easily the most overrated award in sports) watch list or something similarly boring. Go ahead and check out the list of Heisman winners, I wouldn't wish that award on players I hate (I'm looking at you Terrelle Pryor)

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Not the most physically gifted or athletic quarterback in Division I, but he just gets the job done. He's the anti-Jake Locker. Instead of impressing with his 6' 5" frame and rocket-arm, this kid goes out there and wins football games. Original, huh?

Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan
"Shoelace" will undoubtedly be one of the most exciting players to watch all year. Not quite sure how many wins that will translate into, but it seems that Rich Rodriguez has found his rich-man's poor-man's homeless-man's Vince Young or to keep it simple, his Pat White at Michigan.

Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Richardson, a sophomore, is by all accounts the best running back on a team which includes last year's Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. It's gonna get awkward when (if?) the Alabama coaching staff realizes this...

Patrick Peterson, CB/KR, Louisiana State University
This list was getting little QB/RB heavy and Peterson is the perfect guy to break that trend. He is the best CB in the country right now; also, as North Carolina learned routinely discovered last weekend, he's a lethal KR too. We might not see too many explosive plays on that side of the field for Peterson when teams start kicking it away from him...

P.s. Is the strike-through throwing anyone off? Didn't think so...

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
The swagger of the U is back and no one does it better than Jacory Harris. I want Harris invited to the Heisman ceremony just so we can see if he's going to stick to his word and wear a pink suit and have a pimp cup (I know the Heisman sucks, but that doesn't mean the ceremony has to). Personally, I think Harris should dress like Deion Sanders when he got off the plane to sign his contract with the Atlanta Falcons, but I have a thing for jheri curls and gold chains.

Game of the Week: 
Boise State (33) over Virginia Tech (30)
Apparently, you do save the best for last if you're talking about week 1 of this College Football Season. This game was closer than the score suggested with Boise needing a 5 play 56 yard drive in the final 2 minutes to take the lead and win. This extends Boise's winning streak to 15 games in a row, mostly against the uber-dominant WAC *Kanye shrug*


Game that you would have preferred stapling your hand to the wall than watch:  
Oregon (72) over New Mexico (0)
Yep, you read that correctly, Oregon dropped a 72 spot on the Lobos. They beat New Mexico like they stole something. Not sure who was owned worse: New Mexico this year or Byron Hout's face last year

Onions! Call of the Week:

Navy, trailing Maryland 17-14 in the 4th quarter (37 seconds to go) faced a 4th and goal on the Maryland 6 inch line. Navy coach, Ken Niumatalolo, reading from the Frank Solich "F*ck a tie, I'm going to win this thing" playbook showed some serious Onions! by sending his offense back on the field. Although they were stopped short by Maryland and ended up losing the game the Gimme Some Onions! staff applauds the boldness of Coach Niumatalolo