Who is writing this stuff?

It was the most surreal 90 seconds of football I’ve ever seen. Down 2 goals to 1 in extra time against Queens Park Rangers, Manchester City was getting anxious. The best team that (oil) money can buy, including a bench that is paid 6 times more than what some clubs pay their entire teams, desperately needed 2 goals to end a 44 year title drought. Without those two precious goals, the noisy neighbors would have climbed into a self-made grave faster than Joaquin Phoenix’s career. Losing to a newly promoted team at home, title within grasp, is the kind of incompetence the media salivates over.

Enter: Edin Dzeko, header, 92^nd minute

Goosebumps. Manchester City didn’t believe that they could win this, did they? But the belief was obvious in their play, primadonnas transformed in Maradonas, attacking every ball with the abandon of Diego Maradona crossed with Tony Montana. That led to this surreal movement down the pitch:

And Manchester City’s first title since 1968. What can fans of the most popular sport on the planet expect from the Barclay’s Premier League this year?

New players

As usual, the summer transfer market reads like a Christmas wish list. Sergio Aguero, scorer of that crucial 3^rd goal for Manchester City at the Etihad, was one of the new toys in the 2011-2012 season. Now Aguero will play Woody to the Buzz Lightyear presence of Premier League neophytes Edin Hazard (£32 million, Chelsea), Oscar (£25 million, Chelsea), Olivier Giroud (Arsenal, £12 million), Lukas Podoloski (Arsenal, £11.9 million), Santi Cazorla (Arsenal, £16.5 million),  Ron Vlaar (Aston Villa, £3 million), Fabio Borini (Liverpool, £10 million), Shinji Kagawa (Manchester United, £17 million), Vurnon Anita (Newcastle, £6.6 million), Jan Vertonghen (Tottenham, £9.5 million) and Gylfi Sigurdsson (Tottenham, £8 million).

Same face/different place

Additionally, it wouldn’t be the BPL without some familiar faces playing in unfamiliar jerseys. Fans are the biggest casualty of the transfer market as they endured the departure of Luka Modric from Tottenham to Chelsea, Everton’s Jack Rodwell decision to wear Manchester City blue, Joe Allen looking for greener pastures as he leaves Swansea City for Liverpool and a strangely consistent storyline for Arsenal fans, the departure of their captain. This time, former-captain Robin van Persie bids Arsene and Co. adieu and jumps ship to join Manchester United. Gunner fans would be near catatonic if they hadn’t seen the departure of Thierry Henry, Ashley Cole, Samir Nasri and Cesc Fabregas in recent years.

This season promises outstanding team performances, otherworldly individual efforts and world-class football that is a staple of the Premier League fan’s diet. But the uncertainty, drama and possibility that the history books will be rewritten by a mere 90 seconds on the pitch are what fans truly crave. Where will you be during extra time of the last Premier League match on May 19^th 2013? I hope you’re waking up early like me, wondering “who is writing this stuff?” 

College Football Update

It’s early August and you know what time it is! The College football season is less than 3 weeks away; time for the first USA Today poll.  The top 10 includes several established programs with big-time reputations:

1. LSU
2. Alabama
3. Southern California
4. Oklahoma
5. Oregon
6. Georgia
7. Florida State
8. Michigan
9. South Carolina
10. Arkansas

One thing, rather, one conference sticks out from that list and it’s a movie we’ve all seen before. And like Hollywood executives, this conference didn’t even bother to change the name of the movie (bet you've never heard of Total Recall (2012), Robocop (2013) or Dirty Dancing (2014)).The last 6 national championship winners hail from the SEC (2011 - Alabama), SEC (2010 - Auburn), SEC (2009 - Alabama), SEC (2008 – Florida), SEC (2007 – LSU), and SEC (2006 - Florida). Scripting the national championship never seemed so easy. Pick the best team from the SEC and crown their ass!

The SEC appears formidable in 2012; this year, the conference is home to 5 of the top 10 teams with last year’s national championship contenders, LSU and Alabama, ranked number 1 and 2; respectively.  The spoils of conference realignment expanded the SEC to include Big-12 defectors Missouri and Texas A&M. Will a 14-team SEC continue to run riot on the other conferences?

Death to the BCS! Once the most lampooned judging system this side of figure skating, the BCS will make way for a 4 team playoff starting in 2014. Although this playoff will upgrade you from the BCS, it is still far from ideal. I’m already suspicious of the currently undesignated committee that will select and seed teams for the playoff. It’s usually a nightmare when strange men act under the cloak of secrecy.  

University of Southern California QB Matt Barkley is the early Onions! front-runner to stiff arm the competition en route to the Heisman. Barkley, a senior, elected to return to USC for his final year and a chance at redemption for a national powerhouse mired in scandal from bowl bans and NCAA investigations.Using plenty of elite talent at the skill positions (it’s still USC), Barkley and the Trojans will impregnate supple defenses with an aerial assault that will ask Heisman voters "who's your daddy?". Look for Barkley to add to the legacy of USC Heisman trophy winners that did or did not win

And it wouldn’t be a college football post without a Fulmer Cup update. For the uninitiated (and those that don’t click the links), Onions! favorite everydayshouldbesaturday.com awards the Fulmer Cup to the Division I program that demonstrates the worst criminal record during the offseason. Highlighted by ex-coach Bobby Petrino’s best Benjamin Button impersonation, the University of Arkansas is running away from the competition like Usain Bolt.

While athletes and coaches misbehaving is sure to dominate the sports news cycle, these individuals don’t commit more crime than the general population. Either way, the Fulmer Cup remains one of my guilty pleasures.

College Football Season Preview (Part 2)

Yeah, I know it's been more almost three weeks since College Football Season Preview (Part 1). Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk, but I'm also surprised you lived this long without Part 2 in your life; fear no more, the wait is over.

I received some feedback that I didn't have enough defensive players in Part 1, so I'm gonna represent that side of the field more. For the record, defense is like foreplay, it just fills space between business time (aka OFFENSE).

Defense

Marvin Austin, DE/DT, University of North Carolina
Ok, this is a joke. Austin was supposed to anchor an experienced UNC defense that would terrorize the ACC, but he is currently suspended indefinitely for "trips to Florida parties, California training sessions and his work with a tutor". Additionally, Austin is just one of TWELVE UNC players currently suspended for suspected academic and/or extra-curricular violations. Please excuse UNC head coach Butch Davis as he lights himself on fire.

Marcell Dareus, DE, University of Alabama
This is where a pattern starts. Dareus, the defensive MVP of last year's national championship game (hold on a second I just blacked out while trying to suppress memories of an injured Colt McCoy throwing on the sideline as freshman QB Garret Gilbert threw 4 INTs...and, like your crashed gchat, I'm back!!!), was suspended for the first two games of the season for "receiving preferential treatment and agent benefits, including airfare, lodging, meals and transportation during a pair of Miami trips". As a thinner, faster, more athletic Terrence Cody we'll see Dareus wreak havoc for more than 2 snaps a game.


Akeem Ayers, LB, University of California - Los Angeles
Before I started throwing up Exorcist style when Texas fell behind 21 points AT HOME to UCLA last weekend, I was very impressed with Akeem Ayers performance. I don't know how that game ended because I blacked it out (the second theme of this post), but I imagine Ayers continued throwing UT's offensive lineman around like they were rag dolls. Here's my thought process in trying to describe Ayers: Ever seen Transformers? (the cartoon, not those god awful Michael Bay POS films that keep emptying a theater near you) Ever hungered for energon crystals? Then you'll know that  University of California (Berkeley) alum, Marshawn Lynch says it best: Akeem Ayers style is BEAST MODE.

Prince Amukamara, DB, University of Nebraska
I love the name, you need to have a great name and a healthy ego to play defensive back (Deion Sanders anyone?). Also, Prince's name keeps my dream alive that we will live in a society where I can name my kid "Boss" and no one blinks. Boss Miyagi is a name with street cred (and sounds like a Yakuza gang leader). On a more serious note, Amukamara continues Nebraska's tradition of undeniably dominant defensive players can change the tenor of a game with one play (Amukamara takes over for Ndamukong Suh, the 2nd overall pick in last year's NFL draft). Do not throw to his side of the field. Do not even look to his side of the field. And definitely DO NOT say "what?" when he asks you a question...

Offense

A.J. Green, WR, University of Georgia
Consistent with the theme of this preview, Green is serving a 4 match suspension for a practice that takes place everyday in university athletic stores. Check out Mike Wilbon's take on the ridiculous nature of Green's suspension for selling a game-worn jersey on eBay. On the field, Green uses his 6' 4", 210 lb frame to straight up clown defenders...must be the money.

Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford University
I know, I know Part 1 included three QB's, but I gotta show some love to the Stanford stand-out (also this helps show that I don't have an East Coast bias, I toot it and boot it with the West Coast). Putting Luck on this list took a lot of discipline, because really, I hate Luck for being infinitely smarter than me. Not only does Luck get an elite education at Stanford, but Stanford is in an unincorporated city with its own drinking laws, like no open container violations. When Luck isn't throwing 5 TDs a game and embarrassing ACC weaklings (I'm looking at you Wake Forest), he's known to venture to the main quad and get his freak on.

Michael Floyd, WR, University of Notre Dame
Outside of that one week a year when Michael Floyd is singing Michigan's fight song, Hail to the Victors, in his sleep, (I kid, I kid ND fans, go take pictures in front of Touchdown Jesus and feel better about yourself) Floyd is one of the best deep threat receivers in the country. He doesn't get into off the field shenanigans like former teammate Golden Tate did (Who breaks into donut shops at 3 AM? Who does that? Who has time?!?!) and his on the field production is stronger for it. Do your thing young Floyd