Monday Night Football Rapid Reaction

11/15/10 - 7:59ET - RFK Stadium

The preceding image is a photo taken by The Special One for the November 15th Monday Night Football game that featured the Philadelphia Eagles and the Washington Seals (Ok, Redskins) at RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C.. Actually, this game didn't feature both teams. It really only featured the Eagles and Quarterback Michael Vick,  who bludgeoned the Redskins defense time and time again before time regulations mercilessly ended the game. The Eagles beat down the Redskins by a final score of 59 to 28. 

Honestly, the final score doesn't do justice to how dominant the Eagles were; this game was in doubt for literally 4 seconds. On the first play of the game, the Eagles used a play-action pass fake to free up wide receiver DeSean Jackson. Vick planted his feet at the Philadelphia 3 yard line and launched a pass to the streaking Jackson that the receiver hauled in on the Washington 34 before dancing his way into the end-zone (the ball was in flight for 63 yards! who does that?!?!)  But Vick wasn't done there, he would throw 1 more touchdown pass and run for a score en route to a perfect first quarter and a 28-0 Philadelphia lead. Perfect is an accurate assessment of Vick's first quarter by aesthetic and statistical measures. Vick would finish the first quarter 8 for 8 with 181 yards passing and 2 touchdowns for a perfect passer rating of 158.3 (he would finish the game with a 150.7 passer rating). Vick and the Eagles take their seal bludgeoning act back home to Philadelphia where they face the New York Giants next Sunday

The Return of the JMac...

Check out the following report that free agent QB JaMarcus Russell might be taking his talents  to South Beach! I wonder if he will have a one-hour "Decision" special to announce his arrival if Miami does in fact sign him to a contract...

Here's The Special One's rendering of JaMarcus in his new Miami look

Job Search - James Harrison

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison just can't catch a break. Harrison's pockets are $100,000 lighter after NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell changed the rules and fines for tackles deemed dangerous on the fly. And that $100,000 fine is just for 3 tackles! Obviously upset with the NFL's treatment, Harrison is thinking of retiring from Bloodsport Human Cockfighting Football. Well if Harrison has decided to retire, we at Gimme Some Onions! have a few possible career choices for Harrison to consider.

Human ICBM – Harrison has no problem with trying to make a wide receiver’s face explode. Put a jetpack on him and let him go right at those terrorists.

Any Position in Blackwater – Harrison is a perfect fit for this private military company. He believes all his actions are legal despite authority figures feeling differently.

Guide for General Zaroff's Hunting Safari - Harrison does not even need a gun or knife to go hunting. Just give the man a helmet and he will kill all the prey on the reserve.

Aztec War General - The Aztecs instituted a series of mutually agreed upon "Flower Wars" with their neighbors. The soul purpose of these wars was to capture enemies for civic rituals and sacrifices. If Harrison was from Central Mexico in the 1490s there is no way Spain colonizes the Americas and Harrison's image becomes standard for all depictions of Huitzilopochtli, the Aztec God of War. (Don't say you never learned nothing by visiting Gimme Some Onions!)

Security Guard at Your Local Mall – Shoplifters will never have a chance. Here's a recipe for real damage: An Ex-NFL linebacker, a regular schmuck, and the hard ground of the parking lot or mall floor. It's going down like a Nitti beat...

Replacement for Nigel de Jong – It was rumored that Manchester City midfielder Nigel de Jong could be suspended for a period for his tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa. Should Netherlands Coach Bert van Marwijk drops de Jong from the national team squad Harrison would be the perfect replacement. While Harrison focuses on the facial region of an opponent, de Jong goes straight for the legs. De Jong lives to break the bones in opponents’ legs. Harrison lives to injure other players. How could Harrison not be the perfect replacement for de Jong?

Professional Wrestler – Harrison does not even have to act. He is a natural at complaining that higher ups are keeping him down. He could ask Shawn Merriman or Brian Cushing for help at scoring some 'roids. This might be a match.
 

Michael Vick’s Dog Trainer - Oops, this position was recently eliminated.

DTF Athlete of the Month

It's that time again! Time for the one blog post that I consistently write, I'm gonna figure this whole blogging thing out even if I have to drop out of school. Well, maybe I won't take it that far, but I'm committed to seeing things through. No word on if those were the same exact words Jim Jackson said to each of the 12 NBA teams he played for in his 14 seasons.

But back to business and as usual, when business is the DTF Athlete of the Month, business is goooood. Here at Gimme Some Onions! you know that we appreciate DTF behavior at all stages of life which is why we're pleased to posthumously honor Mickey Mantle with the runner-up award for October.



Why honor 'the Mick' in 2010 for his behavior in the 1960s? That's easy, a new biography Mickey Mantle and the End of America’s Childhood, by Jane Leavy documents some of Mantle's well-known, but less well publicized DTF behavior during his playing career. (Check out the NY Times review of the biography here)

Some gems include:

• a 1983 encounter the biographer, Jane Leavy, had with Mantle at the Claridge Hotel in Atlantic City where "Mantle greeted Leavy almost immediately with a crude anatomical reference (“That was the end of the world as I knew it,” [Leavy] said), and at 2 the next morning in the casino bar, his hand moved up her knee"
• Mantle's 1969 retirement ceremony where he brought his wife AND mistress
• This classic quote: "If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken a lot better care of myself."
• And having a room at the Betty Ford Clinic named after him because of his repeated trips to rehab. (Actually, that last one isn't true, but someone needs to call up the Betty Ford Clinic and work this out. Little known fact, Mantle popularized the line "they try to make me go to rehab and I say no, no, no...)

Sounds like Mantle was ahead of his time; I'm happy that I can be here with his biographer Jane Leavy to finally give him the recognition he deserves.

(Quick aside to the savvy (read: AMC groupie) readers that is thinking to themselves "hey, Mantle's behavior isn't radically different from ALL men in the 1960s" and start talking about Mad Men and Don Draper. My response to these readers? Tell them that they need too wash they ass)

And now for the DTF Athlete of the Month for October: Brian Wilson, closer, San Francisco Giants




Brian Wilson first showed up on the Onions! radar after an interview with Fox Sports anchor Chris Rose. Halfway through the interview, a man dressed up in traditional S&M fetishwear and a mask walks in the background of Wilson's home. Chris Rose CANNOT come to terms with this scene. It's like someone took his mom. Mrs. Rose, on a nice seafood dinner and NEVER called her again!

A little research (ok, so I just used Google and Wikipedia, don't try to act like you don't do the same when you "research" something) and I found out that the masked figure in the background known as "The Machine" is from the 1999 film 8mm. Wilson must have some connected with this film because he wasn't done introducing the country to "The Machine". In this Jim Rome interview, Wilson brings "The Machine's" mask on live television. Watch the whole interview when you get a chance. Whatever Brian Wilson is on, I wanna try...

I'm sure that winning the DTF athlete of the Month for October easily trumps what Wilson and the rest of the San Francisco Giants did for the 1st time in 56 years (and the first time since they moved to the city of San Francisco): win this little thing called the "World Series"

Great NBA Commercials

Looks like the NBA is gonna get the same treatment I gave the College Football season. That is, I won't be writing a season preview until after the season started because the season started...last week. My bad... though in my defense, there are only 4 teams that have a real shot of winning the title anyway (Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Orlando Magic and let's not forget the team that is home to the reigning two-time MVP, the Cleveland Cavaliers...ummm, I meant the Miami Heat) so I'll get to them in due time.

At any rate, I love the NBA because of great league concept commercials like "where amazing happens" (remember these?) but more importantly the return of shoe commercials. The evolution in shoe commercials (mostly because uber-brand Nike doesn't have to sell merchandise, they sell concepts, like "cool") means the entertainment value of these commercials is through the roof. Adidas has brought in Ken Jeong from The Hangover fame to co-star with their signature athletes Dwight Howard and Derrick Rose in their "Fast Don't Lie" series. This commercial is the best of the bunch. I gotta get Derrick Rose's shoes so I can "get freaky fast too" (Do the shoes come with the lady pyramid? That's a real question by the way...)

Even the most marginal of shoe companies are getting in on the act. Converse, which hasn't been a relevant sneaker company (this is not to speak ill of the classic Chuck Taylor's) since Nixon was being a tricky Dick in the White House,  got Dr. J to make a guest spot in their newest commercial. (Jim Jones also makes a cameo, though he doesn't do any ballin')

Hell, even SKECHERS brought back the immortal Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Karl Malone to talk some nonsense about making a possible NBA come back because they are using the Skechers shape-up. I don't know what made Skechers think they should start selling basketball-related shoes or use Abdul-Jabbar and Malone (who were in their prime in the late 70s and late 90s; respectively) to sell shoes to the kids today. But hey, what do I know?

Also, I gotta give credit to LeBron and Nike for the best ad of this early NBA season. I don't wanna go over the Lebron "Decision" drama in great detail

That Nike/LeBron commercial takes everything that was ridiculous about LeBron's summer 1. the poor handling of "The Decision" 2. Charles Barkley (and other notable personalities in the media as well as former legends) going innnn on LeBron for leaving Cleveland 3. the fact that LeBron can't stop listening to his friends ("because they're my friends") 4. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert and Cavaliers fans acting like the last 7 years weren't the pinnacle of Cavalier basketball (possibly Cleveland sports, with all due respect to the great Jim Brown...).

The most important feature of the commercial was the challenge (taunt even) by LeBron to supporters and detractors alike: "What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?" When it comes down to it, that's the most overlooked part of about LeBron being on the Miami Heat. LeBron made a decision (execution of said decision aside) that represented what he was about and what he wanted to do with his life. As I listened to the last few lines of the commercial, I couldn't help but think that LeBron was echoing Drake in "Up All Night" ("f**k what they be talking about, they opinion doesn't count, we the only thing that matters") and that's essentially where we stand now. LeBron has simultaneously owned up to his past failings, reminded us that he is still capable of greatness and let us know who's opinion really matters. Of course, it's just a 92 second Nike commercial meant to sell shoes, I could be reading too much into this...

Weekend Onions!

Ok, this is just unacceptable. THREE weeks without "Weekend Onions!"? All I can say for myself is, like Mark McGuire, I'm not here to talk about the past.

Moving on, two weekends ago, the "Mangenius", Cleveland Brown's head coach Eric Mangini, decided to break into the weekend onions report with a delicious fake punt.

Let's set the stage for the Mangenius' trickeration:

• Leading the New Orleans Saints 10-3 in the 2nd quarter, the Browns are facing a 4th and 6  pinned back on their OWN 23
• With only 5:32 left in the half, the conventional wisdom says kick the punt and play defense
• The Mangenius bucks conventional wisdom and goes for the final move to complete the road upset: a huge play on special teams
• The end result: this 68-yard run by the punter Reggie Hodges right down Main Street to the New Orleans 9

The ensuing drive only resulted in a field goal  for the Browns (and a 13-3) lead, but the Browns showed their intentions and eventually won 30-17. No, we're not gonna go drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl, but congratulations to the Mangenius and the Browns for an Onions! play call

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention the Onions! decision by LSU head coach Les Miles a few weekends ago (October 9th 2010) against the Florida Gators.

Not too long ago, Disney remade Alice in Wonderland (I didn't watch it, so I'm gonna exercise this thing I'm learning about called "self-restraint" and keep all opinions of this movie to myself). I only bring this superb demonstration of cinematic brilliance (tongue firmly in cheek) because of the character the Mad Hatter. I don't know why the executives at Disney sent out a casting call for the Mad Hatter. The real life Mad Hatter resides in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and "coaches" the Louisiana State University Tigers. I use the term "coaches" loosely here because what Miles does on the sideline is closer to letting a drunk fratstar in Las Vegas with his dad's black card than the contemplative, rationale exercise I presume coaching to be.

I'll set the stage for the Mad Hatter's return to glory

• 35 seconds left in the game and LSU trails by 3 points 
• The Tigers face a 4th and 3 from the Florida 35 yard line and need a 53 yard field goal to send the game into overtime
• Field goal kicker Josh Jasper needs to nail this kick, a career long in distance if it happens
• Les Miles has better ideas than leaving this game in the hands (er, feet) of a kicker and reaches into his bag of crazy and produces this magic

Let the record note that the ball BOUNCED on the NO-LOOK heave over the shoulder by the holder before the kicker picked it up (noted). Les Miles knows Onions! A few years ago we did an x-ray of Les Miles and found this:



No wonder this guy is a favorite here at Gimme Some Onions!

(Ok, so we didn't actually do this x-ray, it was made by LSUfreek for one of our favorite blogs "Every Day Should Be Saturday". Original post from EDSBS can be found here)

Also, this isn't the first time that Miles has called this particular fake field goal. Against South Carolina in 2007, Miles dialed up this play call and things ran more smoothly. The kicker received the no-look toss perfectly and ran into the end-zone untouched. Check it out here. To paraphrase one of my favorite lines in Forrest Gump, "Crazy is as crazy does"