College Football Season Preview (Part 2)

Yeah, I know it's been more almost three weeks since College Football Season Preview (Part 1). Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk, but I'm also surprised you lived this long without Part 2 in your life; fear no more, the wait is over.

I received some feedback that I didn't have enough defensive players in Part 1, so I'm gonna represent that side of the field more. For the record, defense is like foreplay, it just fills space between business time (aka OFFENSE).

Defense

Marvin Austin, DE/DT, University of North Carolina
Ok, this is a joke. Austin was supposed to anchor an experienced UNC defense that would terrorize the ACC, but he is currently suspended indefinitely for "trips to Florida parties, California training sessions and his work with a tutor". Additionally, Austin is just one of TWELVE UNC players currently suspended for suspected academic and/or extra-curricular violations. Please excuse UNC head coach Butch Davis as he lights himself on fire.

Marcell Dareus, DE, University of Alabama
This is where a pattern starts. Dareus, the defensive MVP of last year's national championship game (hold on a second I just blacked out while trying to suppress memories of an injured Colt McCoy throwing on the sideline as freshman QB Garret Gilbert threw 4 INTs...and, like your crashed gchat, I'm back!!!), was suspended for the first two games of the season for "receiving preferential treatment and agent benefits, including airfare, lodging, meals and transportation during a pair of Miami trips". As a thinner, faster, more athletic Terrence Cody we'll see Dareus wreak havoc for more than 2 snaps a game.


Akeem Ayers, LB, University of California - Los Angeles
Before I started throwing up Exorcist style when Texas fell behind 21 points AT HOME to UCLA last weekend, I was very impressed with Akeem Ayers performance. I don't know how that game ended because I blacked it out (the second theme of this post), but I imagine Ayers continued throwing UT's offensive lineman around like they were rag dolls. Here's my thought process in trying to describe Ayers: Ever seen Transformers? (the cartoon, not those god awful Michael Bay POS films that keep emptying a theater near you) Ever hungered for energon crystals? Then you'll know that  University of California (Berkeley) alum, Marshawn Lynch says it best: Akeem Ayers style is BEAST MODE.

Prince Amukamara, DB, University of Nebraska
I love the name, you need to have a great name and a healthy ego to play defensive back (Deion Sanders anyone?). Also, Prince's name keeps my dream alive that we will live in a society where I can name my kid "Boss" and no one blinks. Boss Miyagi is a name with street cred (and sounds like a Yakuza gang leader). On a more serious note, Amukamara continues Nebraska's tradition of undeniably dominant defensive players can change the tenor of a game with one play (Amukamara takes over for Ndamukong Suh, the 2nd overall pick in last year's NFL draft). Do not throw to his side of the field. Do not even look to his side of the field. And definitely DO NOT say "what?" when he asks you a question...

Offense

A.J. Green, WR, University of Georgia
Consistent with the theme of this preview, Green is serving a 4 match suspension for a practice that takes place everyday in university athletic stores. Check out Mike Wilbon's take on the ridiculous nature of Green's suspension for selling a game-worn jersey on eBay. On the field, Green uses his 6' 4", 210 lb frame to straight up clown defenders...must be the money.

Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford University
I know, I know Part 1 included three QB's, but I gotta show some love to the Stanford stand-out (also this helps show that I don't have an East Coast bias, I toot it and boot it with the West Coast). Putting Luck on this list took a lot of discipline, because really, I hate Luck for being infinitely smarter than me. Not only does Luck get an elite education at Stanford, but Stanford is in an unincorporated city with its own drinking laws, like no open container violations. When Luck isn't throwing 5 TDs a game and embarrassing ACC weaklings (I'm looking at you Wake Forest), he's known to venture to the main quad and get his freak on.

Michael Floyd, WR, University of Notre Dame
Outside of that one week a year when Michael Floyd is singing Michigan's fight song, Hail to the Victors, in his sleep, (I kid, I kid ND fans, go take pictures in front of Touchdown Jesus and feel better about yourself) Floyd is one of the best deep threat receivers in the country. He doesn't get into off the field shenanigans like former teammate Golden Tate did (Who breaks into donut shops at 3 AM? Who does that? Who has time?!?!) and his on the field production is stronger for it. Do your thing young Floyd

Dear Diary: Brett Favre Edition

Here at Gimme Some Onions! we're always looking for ways to distinguish the blog and decided to try our hand at this whole "investigative journalism" thing. Investigative journalism wasn't for us, but that doesn't mean that the fruits of that kind of labor aren't. We bring you Brett Favre's in-game diary from last weekend when the Minnesota Vikings played the Miami Dolphins on the road.

12:42 PM: (In the locker room)
"Why am I here? Oh yeah, my consecutive starting streak. I wonder why more people don't call me out for being a selfish prick when I insist on starting injured. When's the last time you showed up to work sick and outperformed everyone else in the office?"
1:08 PM: (On the field during pre-game)
"I just wanna shoot Wrangler's commercials and collect paychecks. Ever notice how in later editions of this commercial, my yellow shirt doesn't have a green 4 on it? Yeah, suck it Packers, I told them to do that"
1:17 PM: (After a 15-yard gain from Adrian Peterson in the Wild Cat formation)
"I could play WR, this shit is easy..."
1:44 PM: (After 1st interception of the game)
"Gotta remember to thank Dr. James Andrews for helping me out with shoulder and ankle surgery these past two years. God knows I wouldn't have been able to extort money from the Jets and Vikings without him"
2:25 PM: (Following a sack and a fumble for a turnover)
"Do I have the all-time sack and fumble record too?"
2:43 PM: (After 2nd interception of the game)
"I KNOW I have the all-interception record. My cowboy/gunslinger label in the media lets me play interceptions off as looking for a play when really, I'm a reckless me-first player that doesn't care where I put the ball"
2:52 PM: (Halftime)
"What do I have to do to get on that top 10 most disliked athletes list? And why are there only black guys in the top 6, is this some sort of weird affirmative action thing? I'm coming for Kobe's spot..."
3:06 PM After a 13 play drive (11 runs, 2 passes for a total of 10 yards)
"I'm playing like Betty White out there, I need a snickers"
3:33 PM: (After 3rd interception of the game)
"I wonder if I can get a cell phone camera down here so I can send pictures of my junk to Jenn. LOL :-)"
4:23 PM: (After an incompletion on 4th and 6)
"That was my 63rd pass of the season, that works out to (does math in head)...$25,400 a pass attempt"
4:32 PM: (End of Game)
"Shout out to Brad Childress and Minnesota Owner Zygi Wilf for giving me a 1-yr/$16 million contract. The idea that I would duplicate last year's 33 TD/7 INT/107.2 Passer Rating (career low in INTs/career high in Rating) as a 40 year-old quarterback is more ridiculous than Hugh Grant thinking that Divine Brown is a tennnnnn..."




(By the way, Minnesota lost 14 to 10; Favre's line for the game: 22/36, 225 yards, 0 TD/3 INT, 1 fumble lost, 44.3 Passer Rating)

Weekend Onions!

This weekend treated us to two play calls that demanded Onions! recognition.

Let's set the stage for Notre Dame @ Michigan State:

• In their half of the first overtime, Michigan State needs a field goal to extend the game into a second overtime and a touchdown to win.
• QB Kirk Cousins is sacked for a 9 yd loss on 3rd and 5. MSU faces a 4th and 14 on the ND 29 yard line.
• Enter evil genius head coach, Mike Dantonio.

So what looks like a routine 46 yard field goal ends up going down like this.

Mike Dantonio you get to do the patented Sam Cassell "Balls Dance" demonstrated here by Kobe Bryant (calm down Kobe haters, I couldn't find Cassell actually doing this dance online so I went with Kobe Bean. If anyone finds Sam doing this dance, I'll gladly swap links since Sam did invent the dance).

In fact, this play call required Dantonio to summon so much power from his onions that he actually had a heart attack, everyone knows that when you go use Onions! it's a physically taxing event (kind of like having sex with Fat Bastard). Now doctors with all their "fancy learnin" and "degrees" will try to tell you that things like "heredity", "diet" and "physical fitness" were responsible for Dantonio's heart attack but we hear at Gimme Some Onions! know the real story. We wish coach Dantonio the speediest recovery and hope that there are more Onions! plays like this in the future (minus the whole heart attack situation).

Our second Onions! call of the weekend came courtesy of the Houston Texans.

The Texans who regularly never start their season 2-0, improved their record to 2-0 for the first time after head coach Gary Kubiak decided that he was going to do his best Blazing Saddles impersonation and went for broke late in the 4th quarter.

"First downs? We don't need no stinkin first downs, we need TOUCH DOWNS!"

I'll bullet point summary this one too:

• After 3 straight incompletions, the Texans face a 4th and 10 from the Redskins 34.
• Trailing 20-27 with just over 2 minutes left, the Texans have to go for it here or it's game over
• Time-out, Texans. Gary Kubiak eats his mushrooms and grows some Onions!
• Next play, Matt Schaub (38/52, 497 yards and 3 TDs) launches a 34 yard strike to WR Andre Johnson and this game is headed into overtime.

We here at Onions! know that Onions! equals victory, and the Texans prevailed 30-27 in overtime after some overtime shenanigans of their own (discussed below).

This game had a cameo from the sweet/vengeful karma gods. Resident  NFL coach d-bag, Mike Shanahan,  inventor of one of my least favorite plays in football had his comeuppance with karma (try to read what I assume is his self-authored bio. If you feel like you will get overwhelmed with the desire to gouge your eyes out and stop, I will understand.  Shanahan must be feeling himself like he lost his keys. How else do you explain him remembering, to a tenth of yardage, how many yards per game the 1977 North Arizona Lumberjacks averaged when he was only the BACKFIELD COACH???). You know what play I'm talking about, the one where the kicker thinks that he's hit a game winning field-goal, but the rival head coach has actually called a time-out with one second left on the clock. That way, there is not enough time to stop the play from happening so the soon-to-be aborted play continues as planned, but the game winning field-goal will have to be attempted again. Well, this time, karma reared its beautiful/ugly head when Kubiak used this method to nullify what would have been a game winning 52 yard field-goal by Redskins kicker Graham Gano in overtime. That's right Shanahan, karma is a bitch and apparently that bitch has it out for you...

We are the champions...

Team USA does what it does and that is basically own the rest of the world in a little game called basketball.
Here is the run-down from our 2010 FIBA tournament:
Group Play:
USA 106, Croatia 78
USA 99, Slovenia 77
USA 70, Brazil 68 (were we in a coma?)
USA 88, Iran 51
USA 95, Tunisia 57

Round of 16: USA 121, Angola 66
Quarter-final:USA 89, Russia 79
Semifinal: USA 89, Lithuania 74
Final: USA 81, 64

Here's a quick montage of our basketball rampage against the rest of the world

(You didn't a. actually think I have the resources or b. have the time to make a montage video, did you? Future point of reference: Here at Onions! when we say montage, we mean Rocky IV)

Add it up and you get pure dominance. Undefeated 5 wins and 0 losses in the group play capped by an undefeated run of 4 wins and 0 losses in the out-rounds. Though winning the tournament was the most important statistic for Team USA; this has to be my favorite stat from FIBA 2010:

(Courtesy of ESPN's Bill Simmons)

Kevin Durant, last three USA games: 100 points, 35-for-59 shooting (59 percent), 15 3-pointers.
Everyone else on Team USA, last three games: 159 points, 57-for-146 shooting (39 percent), 14 3-pointers.

I'm gonna go light myself on fire now. Can you believe those numbers?! I haven't seen that kind of individual production in a team game since Hugo Stiglitz joined the Basterds in 1944.

What's next for Team USA?

The winner of the FIBA tournament automatically qualifies for the Olympics in 2012 (in London town) so we're golden on that front. More interestingly though is the 2011 FIBA Americas in Argentina. My guess is that we'll send out a team of scrubs (I'm waiting on that phone call Coach Kryzyzewski...) and save the big guns (Kobe, LeBron, Durant, etc.) for the 2012 games.

Don't get your hopes up, kids...

Coming into this weekend, I was very excited about 3 inter-conference showdowns. For a long-time follower of college football, these games all had strong historical relevance and to spice up the games, all of these teams were currently ranked in the top 20.

The last time Miami and Ohio State played each other was in the infamous 2002 Fiesta Bowl where Ohio State profited from one of the worst calls in the history of sports and ended up winning 31-24 in 2OT. (Yes, I'm still bitter. In fact, I'm going to continue drinking bitter beer and have my bitter beer face on as I write the rest of this post)

Florida State and Oklahoma last met when they played for the 2001 BCS National Championship (Oklahoma won 13-2) and more recently this game starts a home-and-home for the Seminoles and Sooners with the Sooners traveling to Tallahassee to face the 'Noles in 2011.

Lastly, Penn State and Alabama haven't played each other in decades. But way back in 1978 these two teams played in the Sugar Bowl for the National Championship (Alabama won 14-7). I didn't think all of the games were going to be extremely competitive, but I expected the road teams to at least show up and have more self-respect than Tony Montana in front of a mound of cocaine...

Instead 2 of the 3 games were complete laughers and one of them might've held my interest if Miami's star quarterback, Jacory Harris, didn't make a habit of throwing it to the other team. Let's name the culprits from this past weekend:

• No. 1 Alabama climbed on top of No. 18 State Penn Penn State after they dropped the soap and won 24-3. Penn State's only points came in the 4th quarter  
• No. 10 Oklahoma dropped a bomb on No. 17 Florida State in a 47-17 game. Honestly, the score wasn't that close. FSU scored 10 of it's 17 in the 4th while Oklahoma added a field goal.
• Lastly, No. 2 Ohio State beat it up like gorillas when they faced No. 12 Miami in the Horseshoe. They won by a comfortable margin (36-24) but this game was close for most of the first half with Miami holding the lead twice in the opening 30 minutes. And then Jacory Harris made it rain interceptions...

(I was tempted to include a link to the Fat Joe's "Make it Rain" video there, but I decided to exercise self-restraint. Wait, I don't know what self-restraint is, grab your umbrella here)


Part of the problem with these inter-conference games is that they featured two ACC teams (Miami and Florida State). For those who don't know, the ACC is the conference of hipsters. Apparently, no one cares about winning. Check out some additional ACC results from this past weekend:

• No. 13 Virginia Tech lost to Division II JAMES MADISON in their home opener. I asked a friend to come up with some reasons why this would happen, but then his head exploded. Needless to say, I didn't try to come up with any analysis after that happened.
• No. 15 Georgia Tech tasted defeat after losing to previously win-less Kansas on the road. This is the same Kansas team that lost 6-3 against North Dakota State. I challenge readers to 1. find North Dakota on a map and 2. make me give a damn after doing so.

So after going 0-4 this past weekend, what's the deal with ACC? Let's see how this works out in the Gimme Some Onions! Court of Law:

• Prosecution: The ACC was favored in two games (Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech) and underdogs in the two other matchups (Miami and Florida State). At a minimum, they should've gone 2-2; 0-4 wasn't even part of the plan because JAMES MADISON and KANSAS were on the schedule.
• Defense: 3 of the 4 games were played on the road in tough environments (@ Ohio State, @ Oklahoma, @ Kansas). Ok, so maybe @ Kansas isn't a tough road environment, especially now that Mark Mangino isn't stalking the concessions guy sideline. Either way, home crowds have a way of juicing  the home team, kind of like Ron-Ron Juice...
• Ruling: The ACC is severely overrated and is going to get beat like a red-headed step-child when they play any school that is serious about winning football games. I suggest the ACC start entering it's teams in less competitive sports, like the Hipster Olympics.

Are you ready?

For some football!!!

That Hank Williams, Jr. theme song will always be one the first sounds I think of when I see football. Well, that, and this great mix of ESPN football music (keep this playing in the background while you read; these songs go together with this article like peanut butter and jelly)

Thursday night the New Orleans Saints and the Minnesota Vikings played the first game of the 2010 NFL season which was a snooze-fest of a game. The Saints won 14-9, but this game fell very short last year's NFC Championship Game, which had audiences strapped to their seats because of all the shit-in-your-pants excitement (I know I wasn't the only one, right?) This time around, there wasn't any scoring in the 4th quarter and Minny's lone touchdown of the game occurred in their 2 minute  hurry-up offense right before the half.

The game's marquee names had pedestrian outings by their standards:

• Demi-god Drew Brees (or Breesus) threw for 237 yards and 1 TD with 0 INT. He completed 27/36 passes for a QB rating of 101.7; this marks the 30th time in 64 games that Brees has had a QB rating over 100 for the Saints
• Adrian "Fumbles" Peterson ran for 87 yards on 19 carries (0 TD)
• Brett Favre had the worst game of all the headliners. He only completed 15/27 passes for 1 TD and 1 INT. This great table from ESPN.com sums up his night nicely. Maybe he retired when the Saints sent 5+ rushers and un-retired when they didn't...

	4 rushers or fewer	5 rushers or more
Comp-Att	12-1	3-13
Yards per att.	7.6	5.0
TD-Int	1-0	0-1
Passer rtg.	122.0	15.9

Where do we go from here?

The Vikings head back to the land of Prince and the Revolution for a week 2 showdown against the upstart Miami Dolphins. Vikings fans better hope that Brett Favre stays un-retired the whole game...

Los Santos travel to San Franciso for a Monday night game against the 49ers. Look for better play calling from Saints coach Sean Payton (the Saints only ran the ball 3 times in the 1st half against the Vikes) and a strong showing from a prolific Saints offense.

College Football Season Preview (Part 1)

Aaaand because I'm lazy and waited until the end of the season's first week, this is going to be a review as well...

Let's kick things off with the preview:

But before we do, I wanna get this off my chest:

This season marks the end of an era in many ways. Big-time players that you either hated or loved (Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Jimmy Clausen) are gone and the turnover from underclassmen entering the draft means that many traditional names that "reload and don't rebuild" (Texas, Alabama, Florida, etc.) are starting guys who were riding pine the last few seasons or are freshman. It’s going to be a wide open year and I can’t wait to be a part of all the ridiculousness. And by be a part of it, I mean the illegal work that I did with a sports agent to get a ton of players suspended (here’s looking at you UNC, South Carolina and Alabama)

Also, this FCS - FBS division thing  is a joke, Gimme Some Onions! articles are going with the (if it ain't broke, don't fix it) names of Division I, II, and III. That's right, we're gonna talk about Division I football, this ain't intramurals brother...

Players to watch (not in any particular order, this list is a combination of players I expect to be very entertaining/productive. This is not a Heisman (easily the most overrated award in sports) watch list or something similarly boring. Go ahead and check out the list of Heisman winners, I wouldn't wish that award on players I hate (I'm looking at you Terrelle Pryor)

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Not the most physically gifted or athletic quarterback in Division I, but he just gets the job done. He's the anti-Jake Locker. Instead of impressing with his 6' 5" frame and rocket-arm, this kid goes out there and wins football games. Original, huh?

Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan
"Shoelace" will undoubtedly be one of the most exciting players to watch all year. Not quite sure how many wins that will translate into, but it seems that Rich Rodriguez has found his rich-man's poor-man's homeless-man's Vince Young or to keep it simple, his Pat White at Michigan.

Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Richardson, a sophomore, is by all accounts the best running back on a team which includes last year's Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. It's gonna get awkward when (if?) the Alabama coaching staff realizes this...

Patrick Peterson, CB/KR, Louisiana State University
This list was getting little QB/RB heavy and Peterson is the perfect guy to break that trend. He is the best CB in the country right now; also, as North Carolina learned routinely discovered last weekend, he's a lethal KR too. We might not see too many explosive plays on that side of the field for Peterson when teams start kicking it away from him...

P.s. Is the strike-through throwing anyone off? Didn't think so...

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
The swagger of the U is back and no one does it better than Jacory Harris. I want Harris invited to the Heisman ceremony just so we can see if he's going to stick to his word and wear a pink suit and have a pimp cup (I know the Heisman sucks, but that doesn't mean the ceremony has to). Personally, I think Harris should dress like Deion Sanders when he got off the plane to sign his contract with the Atlanta Falcons, but I have a thing for jheri curls and gold chains.

Game of the Week: 
Boise State (33) over Virginia Tech (30)
Apparently, you do save the best for last if you're talking about week 1 of this College Football Season. This game was closer than the score suggested with Boise needing a 5 play 56 yard drive in the final 2 minutes to take the lead and win. This extends Boise's winning streak to 15 games in a row, mostly against the uber-dominant WAC *Kanye shrug*


Game that you would have preferred stapling your hand to the wall than watch:  
Oregon (72) over New Mexico (0)
Yep, you read that correctly, Oregon dropped a 72 spot on the Lobos. They beat New Mexico like they stole something. Not sure who was owned worse: New Mexico this year or Byron Hout's face last year

Onions! Call of the Week:

Navy, trailing Maryland 17-14 in the 4th quarter (37 seconds to go) faced a 4th and goal on the Maryland 6 inch line. Navy coach, Ken Niumatalolo, reading from the Frank Solich "F*ck a tie, I'm going to win this thing" playbook showed some serious Onions! by sending his offense back on the field. Although they were stopped short by Maryland and ended up losing the game the Gimme Some Onions! staff applauds the boldness of Coach Niumatalolo

DTF Athlete of the Month

It's September 3rd and I almost forgot to name last month's Tiger Woods Memorial DTF Athlete of the month. For those of you who spent the last 10 months living under a rock since last Novemeber when this happened, Tiger Woods established himself as the most DTF athlete of all-time (sorry Wilt Chamberlain, but Tiger's sexcapades are WELL documented). The winner of August's award is...(drum roll) Tyler Patrick Thomas, a (former) offensive lineman at Oregon State University. Here's a quick summary of Tyler's dirty deeds:

• Found naked and intoxicated in a STRANGER'S home
• After the police told him to get on the ground, dropped into a 3 point stance and LUNGED at the officers
• At least two officers fired their stun guns to subdue Thomas
• He was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest

Tyler is entered into our DTF athlete of the year award (due out in December 2010). Be sure to post comments or send suggestions if you hear about any DTF athlete behavior between now and then.