League Championship Preview

We have our first contributing post here at Gimme Some Onions! An appetizing preview of the National League and American League Championship Series was written up by our favorite resident USC homer. After a 162 game season, Major League Baseball is finally playing some games that matter. Check out this article and know who to follow:

New York Yankees vs. Texas Rangers

Both teams come into the series with question marks in their pitching staff. The Yanks are led by CC and then have Phil Hughes, Andy Pettitte, and AJ Burnett. Not the murderers row of pitchers they have had in previous years but similar to the one that worked to win the World Series last year. The Rangers counter using CJ Wilson, Colby Lewis, Cliff Lee, and Tommy Hunter. Lee is the obvious anchor in this young staff. Using Lee for Game 5 against the Rays sets him back to start Game 3. The Rangers pitching do not go far into the games and eat into the bullpen too much. While the Yankee pitching has been inconsistent throughout the year, the Rangers’ staff has a lower ERA but lacks experience in the postseason. The postseason changes players and the Yankee pitchers are a known commodity that will be solid while the Rangers could be terrific or terrifically horrible. For the hitters, former Rangers ARod and Texeira lead the Yankees. The Yankees have outscored the Rangers (859-787) this season. The Rangers counter with Josh “I have been Reborn with Ginger Ale” Hamilton. Nelson Cruz has been clutch lately with a walk-off homer against the Yanks in September and hit four homeruns against the Rays. Let’s just say Cruz has been Appalachian State hot, hot, hot.

Onions Says: The Rangers have a Jekyll and Hyde face last series with their ability to score more than 3 runs before the seventh in Games 1, 2, and 5 (all wins) and less than 2 in games 4 and 5 (losses). Cruz cannot do it all and even though he is healthy, Hamilton does not look like the MVP he was in the season. The Yankee bullpen will shut down the games. Look for the Yankees get off to a 2-1 lead after Game 3 and close it up before Cliff Lee can see the mound in Game 6 again. (I really do not want to hear about how Hamilton cannot be tempted by the vice of alcohol again.)

Bonus Question Time: What is larger: CC's Postseason ERA or the number of pinstripes on his jersey?

 

Philadelphia Phillies vs. San Francisco Giants

Chicks dig the long ball so expect this series to be a sausage-fest. Both teams have the best staffs left standing. Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Jonathan Sanchez lead the Gigantes with Madison Bumgarner bringing up the rear. All three pitchers sport ERAs less than 3.50. Lincecum leads the staff with his 14K, 2 hit, shutout in Game 1 in one of the greatest postseason performances ever. This is only the second-best postseason outing by a pitcher this postseason because Doc Halladay decided to throw a no-hitter to kick off postseason baseball. Behind Halladay, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels (and Joe Blanton) lurk. Roy-O looks rejuvenated in the second half of the season going 7-1 with a 1.74 ERA after being traded from the Astros where he looked defeated from the perpetual lack of run support. Halladay, Roy-O, and Hamels shut down the best hitting NL team, the Reds, by holding them to 6 runs in 3 games. GM Ruben Amaro built the team for the postseason having 3 frontline aces for games 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7 (Game 4 will be irrelevant as well as Games 6 and 7). It is going to be hard to hit against either staff but give the Phils the edge. On the batting side, the Phillies have the better edge. 33 year-old Aubrey Huff leads the Giants in batting this year after his post Rays wanderings from the Astros, Orioles, and the Tigers. The second best hitter has been ROOKIE Buster Posey. The Big Panda looks likes he has been eating too much. Even though, the Phillies’ hitters have not had the best season (batting only 3 percentage points better than the Giants .257 team average), there are more pieces to like. Ryan Howard is always a threat to hit being one of the premier hitters in the league. Utley and Rollins can always deliver. Neither team hits well but the Phillies have a better lineup. The Phillies replaced Pat Burrell and Aaron Rowand for a reason.

Onions Says: Pitching will dominate the series. Expect the bats to stay quiet but Ryan Howard will start hitting. Jayson Werth needs a fatter contract next year and the spotlight provides an opportunity to become the “Savior.” Brad Lidge closes out the games without a problem due to the lack of Pujols. The Phillies return to the World Series in 4 games. 

Haiku- Doc, Roy-O, Hamels/Pitching Wins All Championships/ Need I Say More, Eh?

DTF Athlete of the Month

Guess what is making an appearance a month after the last time you saw it? No, I'm not talking about the reason you get penicillin from your pharmacist (what happens in Cancun doesn't really stay in Cancun), I'm talking about the DTF Athlete of the Month Award! For those of you unsure why this award is handed out, check out this post for a brief description of the award and our first winner.

Wow. So many people to choose from this month.  Our eventual winner laid claim to this honor in early September, but several worthy challengers emerged during the month. I'll start out with the honorable mention before I give our winner the attention that he deserves.

2nd Runner-up
Karen F. Owen

I already know what you're going to say, "she's not an athlete" and "she shouldn't have her sex life examined in this forum". To which I reply, "Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!" Owen's fake Duke senior thesis on "horizontal academics" demonstrates her willingness to take hook-ups from the casual to the absurd; in many ways, her profound commitment to jersey chasing is turning the endeavor into a sport. Now, I don't want to turn this site into a gossip rag (I do want to hold on to some kind of "journalistic integrity"), but I had to find out what Karen Owen looks like (that matters, doesn't it? I'm not a sexist pig for wondering what she looks like, right? Moving on). I was able to track down this picture; Ms. Owen is the brunette on the left (please don't keep all the jokes about the blonde on the right to yourself. I wanna hear them!)  I salute you Karen F. Owen (wonder what the "F." stands for...). Hopefully reports that you'll get a book or movie deal  are accurate because you are not really that employable right now.

1st Runner-up
Carlos Salcido

Salcido, a Mexican international and defender for Fulham in the English Premier League, is fighting allegations that he hooked up with a transvestite in a now infamous Mexican team party that resulted in the suspension of 13 players on the Mexican national team (I would want to party with team Mexico but Jose Cuervo and transvestites is not part of my usual recipe for a good night out). All but one of the suspended players were featured in Mexico's 2010 World Cup roster. Salcido's lady male lady-male friend claims that she pleasured him in a hotel bathroom (always classy) and alerted him a couple days after the encounter about her his her-his sexual identity. There's a picture of the transvestite in the first link. Was Salcido fooled or does he have the worst beer goggles of all-time?

Salcido, however, was not the most DTF player in the EPL this month. That honor goes to England international and Manchester United forward Wayne "Shrek" Rooney.



Rooney is the subject of recent tabloid fodder (what was that I said about not turning this site into a gossip rag...) ever since the revelations of his 1200 pounds a night fling with a prostitute was publicized (Rooney is currently married).This is not the first time Rooney has taken a prostitute to bed. When he was 19 (and unmarried) he admitted to hooking up with a 48 year-old grandmother nicknamed "Auld Slapper" at the relatively inexpensive rate of 45 pounds a night (they practiced division together and figured out that 19 can go into 48 many more times than 48 can go into 19).

In a perfect world, "Shrek's" current personal life should have replaced the alternative ending to Nike's "Just Roo It" commercial. Instead of seeing himself become an overweight groundskeeper as a result of losing the World Cup, Nike should have made the alternate ending for Rooney a future of his life examined by the tabloids and a seat on the Manchester bench because his club manager is too afraid to play him (this is currently the state of affairs for Rooney). Maybe then Rooney might have had a better World Cup showing (0 goals in 4 matches).

Rooney started out brutally unapologetic, like everyone's favorite Aussie party boy, but has since tried to clean things up with his wife and her family, even planning a "second honeymoon" with the Mrs. in a few weekends (Are you taking notes Tiger?). Congratulations to Wayne Rooney, our DTF Athlete of the Month for September!

Weekend Preview

This weekend features some great games in the English Premier League, College Football and the NFL (note: always the NFL, never the "NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" like every annoying ESPN analyst who used to play says it). Here's the rundown:

Arsenal v. Chelsea
Sunday, 11:00 AM EST

We’re basically through 1/5 of the EPL season (matchweek 7 of 38) and this game will have important implications for the rest of the season. League leaders Chelsea return to their home stadium at Stamford Bridge eager to right the ship following their first defeat of the season last week against nouveau riche(st) Manchester City, (shoutout to ESPN's David Hirshey for coining the witty term "nouveau richest". I will be co-opting and using it in the foreseeable future). No, chicken little, the sky is not falling but after tallying 21 goals in 5 matches Chelsea should be concerned that they did not seriously trouble Man City at all last weekend in a 1-0 loss. And it’s not like Man City has an impenetrable back 4 as this Kolo Toure – Joe Hart blunder shows

Meanwhile, Arsenal looks to bring the noise  and pull within one point of Chelsea. Arsenal is nursing an unreal amount of injuries as captain Cesc Fabregas, speed merchant Theo Walcott and brainy defender Thomas Vermaelan are all likely to be out. All of these injuries are problematic for Arsenal, but the Vermaelan one has some humor in it. His unfortunate injury has forced (French) Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to field an all-French back four of Bacary  Sagna, Laurent Koscielny, Sebastien Squillaci and Gael Clichy. The prospect of four French defenders protecting goal keeper Manuel Almunia is like Lindsay Lohan running a rehab facility: things are supposed to stay out but you'll know they'll get in somehow...

Will Chelsea re-stake a claim to wrapping up the EPL championship by Thanksgiving (and send Arsenal 7 points adrift at the same time)? Will Arsenal stop being a tease and make claims of bringing back their first trophy to the Emirates since 2005 a serious statement? Will I get serious and stop asking questions?

Philadelphia Eagles v. Washington Redskins
Sunday, 4:15 PM EST, Fox

Well, this is awkward. Recently deposed Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb returns to the city that he helped lead to 4 consecutive NFC championship games and 1 Superbowl (where McNabb's nervousness in the clutch caused this to allegedly happened. Yes, I recycled that link. No, I don’t give a damn). For the first time in his career, McNabb will suit up in the visitor's locker room as a member of the Washington Redskins.

Meanwhile, on the Philadelphia sideline Kevin Kolb, McNabb’s heir apparent, is back to clipboard holding duty after 10 stellar quarters from none other than…

Michael Vick? The Vick experience is back and it’s not Michael Vick as his alter ego Ron Mexico; it’s video game Vick from Madden circa 2003 (What’s the deal with the pseudonym Ron Mexico? Was it because Mike Honcho was already taken?). Through two and a half games this year, Vick has compiled 750 passing yards and 6 TDs versus 0 INTs. Additionally he's run for 170 yards and another TD. Most impressive is Vick's completion percentage is at 61.5%, more than 10% higher than his career completion percentage of 51.4%.

The list of subplots in this game is long and distinguished, like my Johnson

• Will a great game by Donovan McNabb cause the heads of many Eagles faithful to explode after witnessing a result they advocated for years (getting rid of McNabb)  take place (Please God, let this happen. Eagles fans are the worse. Like these guys)
• Will Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan ask for the yardage gained to be measured by the tenth? (See the bottom of this post for insight into why I can't stand Shanahan)
• Will Michael Vick continue his unholy alliance with the devil and continue playing out of his cranium? I know I’m tired of asking questions so hopefully this game produces some answers. I'm excited to see this one play out

#9 Stanford versus #4 Oregon
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST, ESPN

This game is a harbinger of things to come for the rest of the college football season. First, no more Cupcake State on the schedule, real programs with real aspirations of a BCS bowl are going to be playing opponents from places you’ve heard of (no more playing “Duke” for you Alabama). Secondly, rivalry games and conference/regional games will dominate the schedule. The first Saturday in October is famous for the Red River Shoot between Texas and Oklahoma (Just broke my vow to pretend that Texas has stopped playing football this year until they stop losing to 21 point underdogs at HOME. FML) Additionally, the whole month of October is filled with equally appetizing rivalries such as Alabama - Florida, LSU - Arkansas and Florida State - Miami to name a few.

Oregon boasts some statistics that are truly laughable on paper. Last week, the Ducks entered their Pac-10 home opener against Arizona State with the #1 scoring offense AND #1 scoring defense in the conference. They did this by playing New Mexico (72-0) and Tennessee (48-13) and Portland state (69-0). That is the football equivalent of handing a smallpox laden blanket to a Native American in the 1600s…

Stanford might be better than we previously thought. Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, told his team that "no one on the corner has swagga like us" and the Cardinal are playing like it. Stanford scores early and often like they're in a crack den with Amy Winehouse (what happened to her?). So far, they havesteamrolled through their schedule, most notably pounding UCLA 35-0 at UCLA. This is the same UCLA team that beat #7 Texas in Austin last weekend (Ugh. I just broke the “don’t mention Texas football pact” I made with myself again. One more time and I have to get a tattoo of Roseanne on my chest like Tom Arnold. Wait, he didn’t do that because he lost a dare? He was married to her? Damnnnnnn)

Expect the scoreboard to get blown and both teams to be doing it. Doing it allll night long...

College Football Season Preview (Part 2)

Yeah, I know it's been more almost three weeks since College Football Season Preview (Part 1). Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk, but I'm also surprised you lived this long without Part 2 in your life; fear no more, the wait is over.

I received some feedback that I didn't have enough defensive players in Part 1, so I'm gonna represent that side of the field more. For the record, defense is like foreplay, it just fills space between business time (aka OFFENSE).

Defense

Marvin Austin, DE/DT, University of North Carolina
Ok, this is a joke. Austin was supposed to anchor an experienced UNC defense that would terrorize the ACC, but he is currently suspended indefinitely for "trips to Florida parties, California training sessions and his work with a tutor". Additionally, Austin is just one of TWELVE UNC players currently suspended for suspected academic and/or extra-curricular violations. Please excuse UNC head coach Butch Davis as he lights himself on fire.

Marcell Dareus, DE, University of Alabama
This is where a pattern starts. Dareus, the defensive MVP of last year's national championship game (hold on a second I just blacked out while trying to suppress memories of an injured Colt McCoy throwing on the sideline as freshman QB Garret Gilbert threw 4 INTs...and, like your crashed gchat, I'm back!!!), was suspended for the first two games of the season for "receiving preferential treatment and agent benefits, including airfare, lodging, meals and transportation during a pair of Miami trips". As a thinner, faster, more athletic Terrence Cody we'll see Dareus wreak havoc for more than 2 snaps a game.


Akeem Ayers, LB, University of California - Los Angeles
Before I started throwing up Exorcist style when Texas fell behind 21 points AT HOME to UCLA last weekend, I was very impressed with Akeem Ayers performance. I don't know how that game ended because I blacked it out (the second theme of this post), but I imagine Ayers continued throwing UT's offensive lineman around like they were rag dolls. Here's my thought process in trying to describe Ayers: Ever seen Transformers? (the cartoon, not those god awful Michael Bay POS films that keep emptying a theater near you) Ever hungered for energon crystals? Then you'll know that  University of California (Berkeley) alum, Marshawn Lynch says it best: Akeem Ayers style is BEAST MODE.

Prince Amukamara, DB, University of Nebraska
I love the name, you need to have a great name and a healthy ego to play defensive back (Deion Sanders anyone?). Also, Prince's name keeps my dream alive that we will live in a society where I can name my kid "Boss" and no one blinks. Boss Miyagi is a name with street cred (and sounds like a Yakuza gang leader). On a more serious note, Amukamara continues Nebraska's tradition of undeniably dominant defensive players can change the tenor of a game with one play (Amukamara takes over for Ndamukong Suh, the 2nd overall pick in last year's NFL draft). Do not throw to his side of the field. Do not even look to his side of the field. And definitely DO NOT say "what?" when he asks you a question...

Offense

A.J. Green, WR, University of Georgia
Consistent with the theme of this preview, Green is serving a 4 match suspension for a practice that takes place everyday in university athletic stores. Check out Mike Wilbon's take on the ridiculous nature of Green's suspension for selling a game-worn jersey on eBay. On the field, Green uses his 6' 4", 210 lb frame to straight up clown defenders...must be the money.

Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford University
I know, I know Part 1 included three QB's, but I gotta show some love to the Stanford stand-out (also this helps show that I don't have an East Coast bias, I toot it and boot it with the West Coast). Putting Luck on this list took a lot of discipline, because really, I hate Luck for being infinitely smarter than me. Not only does Luck get an elite education at Stanford, but Stanford is in an unincorporated city with its own drinking laws, like no open container violations. When Luck isn't throwing 5 TDs a game and embarrassing ACC weaklings (I'm looking at you Wake Forest), he's known to venture to the main quad and get his freak on.

Michael Floyd, WR, University of Notre Dame
Outside of that one week a year when Michael Floyd is singing Michigan's fight song, Hail to the Victors, in his sleep, (I kid, I kid ND fans, go take pictures in front of Touchdown Jesus and feel better about yourself) Floyd is one of the best deep threat receivers in the country. He doesn't get into off the field shenanigans like former teammate Golden Tate did (Who breaks into donut shops at 3 AM? Who does that? Who has time?!?!) and his on the field production is stronger for it. Do your thing young Floyd

Dear Diary: Brett Favre Edition

Here at Gimme Some Onions! we're always looking for ways to distinguish the blog and decided to try our hand at this whole "investigative journalism" thing. Investigative journalism wasn't for us, but that doesn't mean that the fruits of that kind of labor aren't. We bring you Brett Favre's in-game diary from last weekend when the Minnesota Vikings played the Miami Dolphins on the road.

12:42 PM: (In the locker room)
"Why am I here? Oh yeah, my consecutive starting streak. I wonder why more people don't call me out for being a selfish prick when I insist on starting injured. When's the last time you showed up to work sick and outperformed everyone else in the office?"
1:08 PM: (On the field during pre-game)
"I just wanna shoot Wrangler's commercials and collect paychecks. Ever notice how in later editions of this commercial, my yellow shirt doesn't have a green 4 on it? Yeah, suck it Packers, I told them to do that"
1:17 PM: (After a 15-yard gain from Adrian Peterson in the Wild Cat formation)
"I could play WR, this shit is easy..."
1:44 PM: (After 1st interception of the game)
"Gotta remember to thank Dr. James Andrews for helping me out with shoulder and ankle surgery these past two years. God knows I wouldn't have been able to extort money from the Jets and Vikings without him"
2:25 PM: (Following a sack and a fumble for a turnover)
"Do I have the all-time sack and fumble record too?"
2:43 PM: (After 2nd interception of the game)
"I KNOW I have the all-interception record. My cowboy/gunslinger label in the media lets me play interceptions off as looking for a play when really, I'm a reckless me-first player that doesn't care where I put the ball"
2:52 PM: (Halftime)
"What do I have to do to get on that top 10 most disliked athletes list? And why are there only black guys in the top 6, is this some sort of weird affirmative action thing? I'm coming for Kobe's spot..."
3:06 PM After a 13 play drive (11 runs, 2 passes for a total of 10 yards)
"I'm playing like Betty White out there, I need a snickers"
3:33 PM: (After 3rd interception of the game)
"I wonder if I can get a cell phone camera down here so I can send pictures of my junk to Jenn. LOL :-)"
4:23 PM: (After an incompletion on 4th and 6)
"That was my 63rd pass of the season, that works out to (does math in head)...$25,400 a pass attempt"
4:32 PM: (End of Game)
"Shout out to Brad Childress and Minnesota Owner Zygi Wilf for giving me a 1-yr/$16 million contract. The idea that I would duplicate last year's 33 TD/7 INT/107.2 Passer Rating (career low in INTs/career high in Rating) as a 40 year-old quarterback is more ridiculous than Hugh Grant thinking that Divine Brown is a tennnnnn..."




(By the way, Minnesota lost 14 to 10; Favre's line for the game: 22/36, 225 yards, 0 TD/3 INT, 1 fumble lost, 44.3 Passer Rating)

Weekend Onions!

This weekend treated us to two play calls that demanded Onions! recognition.

Let's set the stage for Notre Dame @ Michigan State:

• In their half of the first overtime, Michigan State needs a field goal to extend the game into a second overtime and a touchdown to win.
• QB Kirk Cousins is sacked for a 9 yd loss on 3rd and 5. MSU faces a 4th and 14 on the ND 29 yard line.
• Enter evil genius head coach, Mike Dantonio.

So what looks like a routine 46 yard field goal ends up going down like this.

Mike Dantonio you get to do the patented Sam Cassell "Balls Dance" demonstrated here by Kobe Bryant (calm down Kobe haters, I couldn't find Cassell actually doing this dance online so I went with Kobe Bean. If anyone finds Sam doing this dance, I'll gladly swap links since Sam did invent the dance).

In fact, this play call required Dantonio to summon so much power from his onions that he actually had a heart attack, everyone knows that when you go use Onions! it's a physically taxing event (kind of like having sex with Fat Bastard). Now doctors with all their "fancy learnin" and "degrees" will try to tell you that things like "heredity", "diet" and "physical fitness" were responsible for Dantonio's heart attack but we hear at Gimme Some Onions! know the real story. We wish coach Dantonio the speediest recovery and hope that there are more Onions! plays like this in the future (minus the whole heart attack situation).

Our second Onions! call of the weekend came courtesy of the Houston Texans.

The Texans who regularly never start their season 2-0, improved their record to 2-0 for the first time after head coach Gary Kubiak decided that he was going to do his best Blazing Saddles impersonation and went for broke late in the 4th quarter.

"First downs? We don't need no stinkin first downs, we need TOUCH DOWNS!"

I'll bullet point summary this one too:

• After 3 straight incompletions, the Texans face a 4th and 10 from the Redskins 34.
• Trailing 20-27 with just over 2 minutes left, the Texans have to go for it here or it's game over
• Time-out, Texans. Gary Kubiak eats his mushrooms and grows some Onions!
• Next play, Matt Schaub (38/52, 497 yards and 3 TDs) launches a 34 yard strike to WR Andre Johnson and this game is headed into overtime.

We here at Onions! know that Onions! equals victory, and the Texans prevailed 30-27 in overtime after some overtime shenanigans of their own (discussed below).

This game had a cameo from the sweet/vengeful karma gods. Resident  NFL coach d-bag, Mike Shanahan,  inventor of one of my least favorite plays in football had his comeuppance with karma (try to read what I assume is his self-authored bio. If you feel like you will get overwhelmed with the desire to gouge your eyes out and stop, I will understand.  Shanahan must be feeling himself like he lost his keys. How else do you explain him remembering, to a tenth of yardage, how many yards per game the 1977 North Arizona Lumberjacks averaged when he was only the BACKFIELD COACH???). You know what play I'm talking about, the one where the kicker thinks that he's hit a game winning field-goal, but the rival head coach has actually called a time-out with one second left on the clock. That way, there is not enough time to stop the play from happening so the soon-to-be aborted play continues as planned, but the game winning field-goal will have to be attempted again. Well, this time, karma reared its beautiful/ugly head when Kubiak used this method to nullify what would have been a game winning 52 yard field-goal by Redskins kicker Graham Gano in overtime. That's right Shanahan, karma is a bitch and apparently that bitch has it out for you...

We are the champions...

Team USA does what it does and that is basically own the rest of the world in a little game called basketball.
Here is the run-down from our 2010 FIBA tournament:
Group Play:
USA 106, Croatia 78
USA 99, Slovenia 77
USA 70, Brazil 68 (were we in a coma?)
USA 88, Iran 51
USA 95, Tunisia 57

Round of 16: USA 121, Angola 66
Quarter-final:USA 89, Russia 79
Semifinal: USA 89, Lithuania 74
Final: USA 81, 64

Here's a quick montage of our basketball rampage against the rest of the world

(You didn't a. actually think I have the resources or b. have the time to make a montage video, did you? Future point of reference: Here at Onions! when we say montage, we mean Rocky IV)

Add it up and you get pure dominance. Undefeated 5 wins and 0 losses in the group play capped by an undefeated run of 4 wins and 0 losses in the out-rounds. Though winning the tournament was the most important statistic for Team USA; this has to be my favorite stat from FIBA 2010:

(Courtesy of ESPN's Bill Simmons)

Kevin Durant, last three USA games: 100 points, 35-for-59 shooting (59 percent), 15 3-pointers.
Everyone else on Team USA, last three games: 159 points, 57-for-146 shooting (39 percent), 14 3-pointers.

I'm gonna go light myself on fire now. Can you believe those numbers?! I haven't seen that kind of individual production in a team game since Hugo Stiglitz joined the Basterds in 1944.

What's next for Team USA?

The winner of the FIBA tournament automatically qualifies for the Olympics in 2012 (in London town) so we're golden on that front. More interestingly though is the 2011 FIBA Americas in Argentina. My guess is that we'll send out a team of scrubs (I'm waiting on that phone call Coach Kryzyzewski...) and save the big guns (Kobe, LeBron, Durant, etc.) for the 2012 games.

Don't get your hopes up, kids...

Coming into this weekend, I was very excited about 3 inter-conference showdowns. For a long-time follower of college football, these games all had strong historical relevance and to spice up the games, all of these teams were currently ranked in the top 20.

The last time Miami and Ohio State played each other was in the infamous 2002 Fiesta Bowl where Ohio State profited from one of the worst calls in the history of sports and ended up winning 31-24 in 2OT. (Yes, I'm still bitter. In fact, I'm going to continue drinking bitter beer and have my bitter beer face on as I write the rest of this post)

Florida State and Oklahoma last met when they played for the 2001 BCS National Championship (Oklahoma won 13-2) and more recently this game starts a home-and-home for the Seminoles and Sooners with the Sooners traveling to Tallahassee to face the 'Noles in 2011.

Lastly, Penn State and Alabama haven't played each other in decades. But way back in 1978 these two teams played in the Sugar Bowl for the National Championship (Alabama won 14-7). I didn't think all of the games were going to be extremely competitive, but I expected the road teams to at least show up and have more self-respect than Tony Montana in front of a mound of cocaine...

Instead 2 of the 3 games were complete laughers and one of them might've held my interest if Miami's star quarterback, Jacory Harris, didn't make a habit of throwing it to the other team. Let's name the culprits from this past weekend:

• No. 1 Alabama climbed on top of No. 18 State Penn Penn State after they dropped the soap and won 24-3. Penn State's only points came in the 4th quarter  
• No. 10 Oklahoma dropped a bomb on No. 17 Florida State in a 47-17 game. Honestly, the score wasn't that close. FSU scored 10 of it's 17 in the 4th while Oklahoma added a field goal.
• Lastly, No. 2 Ohio State beat it up like gorillas when they faced No. 12 Miami in the Horseshoe. They won by a comfortable margin (36-24) but this game was close for most of the first half with Miami holding the lead twice in the opening 30 minutes. And then Jacory Harris made it rain interceptions...

(I was tempted to include a link to the Fat Joe's "Make it Rain" video there, but I decided to exercise self-restraint. Wait, I don't know what self-restraint is, grab your umbrella here)


Part of the problem with these inter-conference games is that they featured two ACC teams (Miami and Florida State). For those who don't know, the ACC is the conference of hipsters. Apparently, no one cares about winning. Check out some additional ACC results from this past weekend:

• No. 13 Virginia Tech lost to Division II JAMES MADISON in their home opener. I asked a friend to come up with some reasons why this would happen, but then his head exploded. Needless to say, I didn't try to come up with any analysis after that happened.
• No. 15 Georgia Tech tasted defeat after losing to previously win-less Kansas on the road. This is the same Kansas team that lost 6-3 against North Dakota State. I challenge readers to 1. find North Dakota on a map and 2. make me give a damn after doing so.

So after going 0-4 this past weekend, what's the deal with ACC? Let's see how this works out in the Gimme Some Onions! Court of Law:

• Prosecution: The ACC was favored in two games (Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech) and underdogs in the two other matchups (Miami and Florida State). At a minimum, they should've gone 2-2; 0-4 wasn't even part of the plan because JAMES MADISON and KANSAS were on the schedule.
• Defense: 3 of the 4 games were played on the road in tough environments (@ Ohio State, @ Oklahoma, @ Kansas). Ok, so maybe @ Kansas isn't a tough road environment, especially now that Mark Mangino isn't stalking the concessions guy sideline. Either way, home crowds have a way of juicing  the home team, kind of like Ron-Ron Juice...
• Ruling: The ACC is severely overrated and is going to get beat like a red-headed step-child when they play any school that is serious about winning football games. I suggest the ACC start entering it's teams in less competitive sports, like the Hipster Olympics.

Are you ready?

For some football!!!

That Hank Williams, Jr. theme song will always be one the first sounds I think of when I see football. Well, that, and this great mix of ESPN football music (keep this playing in the background while you read; these songs go together with this article like peanut butter and jelly)

Thursday night the New Orleans Saints and the Minnesota Vikings played the first game of the 2010 NFL season which was a snooze-fest of a game. The Saints won 14-9, but this game fell very short last year's NFC Championship Game, which had audiences strapped to their seats because of all the shit-in-your-pants excitement (I know I wasn't the only one, right?) This time around, there wasn't any scoring in the 4th quarter and Minny's lone touchdown of the game occurred in their 2 minute  hurry-up offense right before the half.

The game's marquee names had pedestrian outings by their standards:

• Demi-god Drew Brees (or Breesus) threw for 237 yards and 1 TD with 0 INT. He completed 27/36 passes for a QB rating of 101.7; this marks the 30th time in 64 games that Brees has had a QB rating over 100 for the Saints
• Adrian "Fumbles" Peterson ran for 87 yards on 19 carries (0 TD)
• Brett Favre had the worst game of all the headliners. He only completed 15/27 passes for 1 TD and 1 INT. This great table from ESPN.com sums up his night nicely. Maybe he retired when the Saints sent 5+ rushers and un-retired when they didn't...

	4 rushers or fewer	5 rushers or more
Comp-Att	12-1	3-13
Yards per att.	7.6	5.0
TD-Int	1-0	0-1
Passer rtg.	122.0	15.9

Where do we go from here?

The Vikings head back to the land of Prince and the Revolution for a week 2 showdown against the upstart Miami Dolphins. Vikings fans better hope that Brett Favre stays un-retired the whole game...

Los Santos travel to San Franciso for a Monday night game against the 49ers. Look for better play calling from Saints coach Sean Payton (the Saints only ran the ball 3 times in the 1st half against the Vikes) and a strong showing from a prolific Saints offense.

College Football Season Preview (Part 1)

Aaaand because I'm lazy and waited until the end of the season's first week, this is going to be a review as well...

Let's kick things off with the preview:

But before we do, I wanna get this off my chest:

This season marks the end of an era in many ways. Big-time players that you either hated or loved (Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Jimmy Clausen) are gone and the turnover from underclassmen entering the draft means that many traditional names that "reload and don't rebuild" (Texas, Alabama, Florida, etc.) are starting guys who were riding pine the last few seasons or are freshman. It’s going to be a wide open year and I can’t wait to be a part of all the ridiculousness. And by be a part of it, I mean the illegal work that I did with a sports agent to get a ton of players suspended (here’s looking at you UNC, South Carolina and Alabama)

Also, this FCS - FBS division thing  is a joke, Gimme Some Onions! articles are going with the (if it ain't broke, don't fix it) names of Division I, II, and III. That's right, we're gonna talk about Division I football, this ain't intramurals brother...

Players to watch (not in any particular order, this list is a combination of players I expect to be very entertaining/productive. This is not a Heisman (easily the most overrated award in sports) watch list or something similarly boring. Go ahead and check out the list of Heisman winners, I wouldn't wish that award on players I hate (I'm looking at you Terrelle Pryor)

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Not the most physically gifted or athletic quarterback in Division I, but he just gets the job done. He's the anti-Jake Locker. Instead of impressing with his 6' 5" frame and rocket-arm, this kid goes out there and wins football games. Original, huh?

Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan
"Shoelace" will undoubtedly be one of the most exciting players to watch all year. Not quite sure how many wins that will translate into, but it seems that Rich Rodriguez has found his rich-man's poor-man's homeless-man's Vince Young or to keep it simple, his Pat White at Michigan.

Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Richardson, a sophomore, is by all accounts the best running back on a team which includes last year's Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. It's gonna get awkward when (if?) the Alabama coaching staff realizes this...

Patrick Peterson, CB/KR, Louisiana State University
This list was getting little QB/RB heavy and Peterson is the perfect guy to break that trend. He is the best CB in the country right now; also, as North Carolina learned routinely discovered last weekend, he's a lethal KR too. We might not see too many explosive plays on that side of the field for Peterson when teams start kicking it away from him...

P.s. Is the strike-through throwing anyone off? Didn't think so...

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
The swagger of the U is back and no one does it better than Jacory Harris. I want Harris invited to the Heisman ceremony just so we can see if he's going to stick to his word and wear a pink suit and have a pimp cup (I know the Heisman sucks, but that doesn't mean the ceremony has to). Personally, I think Harris should dress like Deion Sanders when he got off the plane to sign his contract with the Atlanta Falcons, but I have a thing for jheri curls and gold chains.

Game of the Week: 
Boise State (33) over Virginia Tech (30)
Apparently, you do save the best for last if you're talking about week 1 of this College Football Season. This game was closer than the score suggested with Boise needing a 5 play 56 yard drive in the final 2 minutes to take the lead and win. This extends Boise's winning streak to 15 games in a row, mostly against the uber-dominant WAC *Kanye shrug*


Game that you would have preferred stapling your hand to the wall than watch:  
Oregon (72) over New Mexico (0)
Yep, you read that correctly, Oregon dropped a 72 spot on the Lobos. They beat New Mexico like they stole something. Not sure who was owned worse: New Mexico this year or Byron Hout's face last year

Onions! Call of the Week:

Navy, trailing Maryland 17-14 in the 4th quarter (37 seconds to go) faced a 4th and goal on the Maryland 6 inch line. Navy coach, Ken Niumatalolo, reading from the Frank Solich "F*ck a tie, I'm going to win this thing" playbook showed some serious Onions! by sending his offense back on the field. Although they were stopped short by Maryland and ended up losing the game the Gimme Some Onions! staff applauds the boldness of Coach Niumatalolo