World Cup Bid Preview

Tomorrow, the world will know who will host the World Cup in 2018 and 2022 after the journey to Brazil. 2018 will go to Europe and 2022 to either Asia or America. Here is a preview of what the bids offer.

World Cup Bid Preview

2018

Russia

Oil + Money + Putin

England

History + Life/Death Attitude to Football

Spain (Portugal)

Best Teams + Good Stadiums

BeNeLux

Too Many Countries Involved

2022

USA

Most Tickets Sold + Successful WC'94 + Infrastructure

Australia

Infrastructure + New Continent

Japan or South Korea

Too Soon

Qatar

New Location + Technology + OIL MONEY + Buying Zidane + UNDER THE TABLE MONEY

(Did I mention $$$$$$)

2018

It will probably be Russia v. England. Putin and Abramovich are power players and have the power (political and financial) to make this work.

2022

This bid can be decided by who is not bidding, China. If China wants 2026, this thing is a slamdunk to go to the USA, the host of the most successful WC. China brings in another large audience and massive potential revenue sources. If not, anything can happen. Probably should go to the US and probably Australia but Qatar can give FIFA what it wants, massive kickbacks.

Monday Night Football Rapid Reaction

11/15/10 - 7:59ET - RFK Stadium

The preceding image is a photo taken by The Special One for the November 15th Monday Night Football game that featured the Philadelphia Eagles and the Washington Seals (Ok, Redskins) at RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C.. Actually, this game didn't feature both teams. It really only featured the Eagles and Quarterback Michael Vick,  who bludgeoned the Redskins defense time and time again before time regulations mercilessly ended the game. The Eagles beat down the Redskins by a final score of 59 to 28. 

Honestly, the final score doesn't do justice to how dominant the Eagles were; this game was in doubt for literally 4 seconds. On the first play of the game, the Eagles used a play-action pass fake to free up wide receiver DeSean Jackson. Vick planted his feet at the Philadelphia 3 yard line and launched a pass to the streaking Jackson that the receiver hauled in on the Washington 34 before dancing his way into the end-zone (the ball was in flight for 63 yards! who does that?!?!)  But Vick wasn't done there, he would throw 1 more touchdown pass and run for a score en route to a perfect first quarter and a 28-0 Philadelphia lead. Perfect is an accurate assessment of Vick's first quarter by aesthetic and statistical measures. Vick would finish the first quarter 8 for 8 with 181 yards passing and 2 touchdowns for a perfect passer rating of 158.3 (he would finish the game with a 150.7 passer rating). Vick and the Eagles take their seal bludgeoning act back home to Philadelphia where they face the New York Giants next Sunday

The Return of the JMac...

Check out the following report that free agent QB JaMarcus Russell might be taking his talents  to South Beach! I wonder if he will have a one-hour "Decision" special to announce his arrival if Miami does in fact sign him to a contract...

Here's The Special One's rendering of JaMarcus in his new Miami look

Job Search - James Harrison

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison just can't catch a break. Harrison's pockets are $100,000 lighter after NFL Commisioner Roger Goodell changed the rules and fines for tackles deemed dangerous on the fly. And that $100,000 fine is just for 3 tackles! Obviously upset with the NFL's treatment, Harrison is thinking of retiring from Bloodsport Human Cockfighting Football. Well if Harrison has decided to retire, we at Gimme Some Onions! have a few possible career choices for Harrison to consider.

Human ICBM – Harrison has no problem with trying to make a wide receiver’s face explode. Put a jetpack on him and let him go right at those terrorists.

Any Position in Blackwater – Harrison is a perfect fit for this private military company. He believes all his actions are legal despite authority figures feeling differently.

Guide for General Zaroff's Hunting Safari - Harrison does not even need a gun or knife to go hunting. Just give the man a helmet and he will kill all the prey on the reserve.

Aztec War General - The Aztecs instituted a series of mutually agreed upon "Flower Wars" with their neighbors. The soul purpose of these wars was to capture enemies for civic rituals and sacrifices. If Harrison was from Central Mexico in the 1490s there is no way Spain colonizes the Americas and Harrison's image becomes standard for all depictions of Huitzilopochtli, the Aztec God of War. (Don't say you never learned nothing by visiting Gimme Some Onions!)

Security Guard at Your Local Mall – Shoplifters will never have a chance. Here's a recipe for real damage: An Ex-NFL linebacker, a regular schmuck, and the hard ground of the parking lot or mall floor. It's going down like a Nitti beat...

Replacement for Nigel de Jong – It was rumored that Manchester City midfielder Nigel de Jong could be suspended for a period for his tackle on Hatem Ben Arfa. Should Netherlands Coach Bert van Marwijk drops de Jong from the national team squad Harrison would be the perfect replacement. While Harrison focuses on the facial region of an opponent, de Jong goes straight for the legs. De Jong lives to break the bones in opponents’ legs. Harrison lives to injure other players. How could Harrison not be the perfect replacement for de Jong?

Professional Wrestler – Harrison does not even have to act. He is a natural at complaining that higher ups are keeping him down. He could ask Shawn Merriman or Brian Cushing for help at scoring some 'roids. This might be a match.
 

Michael Vick’s Dog Trainer - Oops, this position was recently eliminated.

DTF Athlete of the Month

It's that time again! Time for the one blog post that I consistently write, I'm gonna figure this whole blogging thing out even if I have to drop out of school. Well, maybe I won't take it that far, but I'm committed to seeing things through. No word on if those were the same exact words Jim Jackson said to each of the 12 NBA teams he played for in his 14 seasons.

But back to business and as usual, when business is the DTF Athlete of the Month, business is goooood. Here at Gimme Some Onions! you know that we appreciate DTF behavior at all stages of life which is why we're pleased to posthumously honor Mickey Mantle with the runner-up award for October.



Why honor 'the Mick' in 2010 for his behavior in the 1960s? That's easy, a new biography Mickey Mantle and the End of America’s Childhood, by Jane Leavy documents some of Mantle's well-known, but less well publicized DTF behavior during his playing career. (Check out the NY Times review of the biography here)

Some gems include:

• a 1983 encounter the biographer, Jane Leavy, had with Mantle at the Claridge Hotel in Atlantic City where "Mantle greeted Leavy almost immediately with a crude anatomical reference (“That was the end of the world as I knew it,” [Leavy] said), and at 2 the next morning in the casino bar, his hand moved up her knee"
• Mantle's 1969 retirement ceremony where he brought his wife AND mistress
• This classic quote: "If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken a lot better care of myself."
• And having a room at the Betty Ford Clinic named after him because of his repeated trips to rehab. (Actually, that last one isn't true, but someone needs to call up the Betty Ford Clinic and work this out. Little known fact, Mantle popularized the line "they try to make me go to rehab and I say no, no, no...)

Sounds like Mantle was ahead of his time; I'm happy that I can be here with his biographer Jane Leavy to finally give him the recognition he deserves.

(Quick aside to the savvy (read: AMC groupie) readers that is thinking to themselves "hey, Mantle's behavior isn't radically different from ALL men in the 1960s" and start talking about Mad Men and Don Draper. My response to these readers? Tell them that they need too wash they ass)

And now for the DTF Athlete of the Month for October: Brian Wilson, closer, San Francisco Giants




Brian Wilson first showed up on the Onions! radar after an interview with Fox Sports anchor Chris Rose. Halfway through the interview, a man dressed up in traditional S&M fetishwear and a mask walks in the background of Wilson's home. Chris Rose CANNOT come to terms with this scene. It's like someone took his mom. Mrs. Rose, on a nice seafood dinner and NEVER called her again!

A little research (ok, so I just used Google and Wikipedia, don't try to act like you don't do the same when you "research" something) and I found out that the masked figure in the background known as "The Machine" is from the 1999 film 8mm. Wilson must have some connected with this film because he wasn't done introducing the country to "The Machine". In this Jim Rome interview, Wilson brings "The Machine's" mask on live television. Watch the whole interview when you get a chance. Whatever Brian Wilson is on, I wanna try...

I'm sure that winning the DTF athlete of the Month for October easily trumps what Wilson and the rest of the San Francisco Giants did for the 1st time in 56 years (and the first time since they moved to the city of San Francisco): win this little thing called the "World Series"

Great NBA Commercials

Looks like the NBA is gonna get the same treatment I gave the College Football season. That is, I won't be writing a season preview until after the season started because the season started...last week. My bad... though in my defense, there are only 4 teams that have a real shot of winning the title anyway (Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics, Orlando Magic and let's not forget the team that is home to the reigning two-time MVP, the Cleveland Cavaliers...ummm, I meant the Miami Heat) so I'll get to them in due time.

At any rate, I love the NBA because of great league concept commercials like "where amazing happens" (remember these?) but more importantly the return of shoe commercials. The evolution in shoe commercials (mostly because uber-brand Nike doesn't have to sell merchandise, they sell concepts, like "cool") means the entertainment value of these commercials is through the roof. Adidas has brought in Ken Jeong from The Hangover fame to co-star with their signature athletes Dwight Howard and Derrick Rose in their "Fast Don't Lie" series. This commercial is the best of the bunch. I gotta get Derrick Rose's shoes so I can "get freaky fast too" (Do the shoes come with the lady pyramid? That's a real question by the way...)

Even the most marginal of shoe companies are getting in on the act. Converse, which hasn't been a relevant sneaker company (this is not to speak ill of the classic Chuck Taylor's) since Nixon was being a tricky Dick in the White House,  got Dr. J to make a guest spot in their newest commercial. (Jim Jones also makes a cameo, though he doesn't do any ballin')

Hell, even SKECHERS brought back the immortal Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Karl Malone to talk some nonsense about making a possible NBA come back because they are using the Skechers shape-up. I don't know what made Skechers think they should start selling basketball-related shoes or use Abdul-Jabbar and Malone (who were in their prime in the late 70s and late 90s; respectively) to sell shoes to the kids today. But hey, what do I know?

Also, I gotta give credit to LeBron and Nike for the best ad of this early NBA season. I don't wanna go over the Lebron "Decision" drama in great detail

That Nike/LeBron commercial takes everything that was ridiculous about LeBron's summer 1. the poor handling of "The Decision" 2. Charles Barkley (and other notable personalities in the media as well as former legends) going innnn on LeBron for leaving Cleveland 3. the fact that LeBron can't stop listening to his friends ("because they're my friends") 4. Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert and Cavaliers fans acting like the last 7 years weren't the pinnacle of Cavalier basketball (possibly Cleveland sports, with all due respect to the great Jim Brown...).

The most important feature of the commercial was the challenge (taunt even) by LeBron to supporters and detractors alike: "What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?" When it comes down to it, that's the most overlooked part of about LeBron being on the Miami Heat. LeBron made a decision (execution of said decision aside) that represented what he was about and what he wanted to do with his life. As I listened to the last few lines of the commercial, I couldn't help but think that LeBron was echoing Drake in "Up All Night" ("f**k what they be talking about, they opinion doesn't count, we the only thing that matters") and that's essentially where we stand now. LeBron has simultaneously owned up to his past failings, reminded us that he is still capable of greatness and let us know who's opinion really matters. Of course, it's just a 92 second Nike commercial meant to sell shoes, I could be reading too much into this...

Weekend Onions!

Ok, this is just unacceptable. THREE weeks without "Weekend Onions!"? All I can say for myself is, like Mark McGuire, I'm not here to talk about the past.

Moving on, two weekends ago, the "Mangenius", Cleveland Brown's head coach Eric Mangini, decided to break into the weekend onions report with a delicious fake punt.

Let's set the stage for the Mangenius' trickeration:

• Leading the New Orleans Saints 10-3 in the 2nd quarter, the Browns are facing a 4th and 6  pinned back on their OWN 23
• With only 5:32 left in the half, the conventional wisdom says kick the punt and play defense
• The Mangenius bucks conventional wisdom and goes for the final move to complete the road upset: a huge play on special teams
• The end result: this 68-yard run by the punter Reggie Hodges right down Main Street to the New Orleans 9

The ensuing drive only resulted in a field goal  for the Browns (and a 13-3) lead, but the Browns showed their intentions and eventually won 30-17. No, we're not gonna go drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl, but congratulations to the Mangenius and the Browns for an Onions! play call

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention the Onions! decision by LSU head coach Les Miles a few weekends ago (October 9th 2010) against the Florida Gators.

Not too long ago, Disney remade Alice in Wonderland (I didn't watch it, so I'm gonna exercise this thing I'm learning about called "self-restraint" and keep all opinions of this movie to myself). I only bring this superb demonstration of cinematic brilliance (tongue firmly in cheek) because of the character the Mad Hatter. I don't know why the executives at Disney sent out a casting call for the Mad Hatter. The real life Mad Hatter resides in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and "coaches" the Louisiana State University Tigers. I use the term "coaches" loosely here because what Miles does on the sideline is closer to letting a drunk fratstar in Las Vegas with his dad's black card than the contemplative, rationale exercise I presume coaching to be.

I'll set the stage for the Mad Hatter's return to glory

• 35 seconds left in the game and LSU trails by 3 points 
• The Tigers face a 4th and 3 from the Florida 35 yard line and need a 53 yard field goal to send the game into overtime
• Field goal kicker Josh Jasper needs to nail this kick, a career long in distance if it happens
• Les Miles has better ideas than leaving this game in the hands (er, feet) of a kicker and reaches into his bag of crazy and produces this magic

Let the record note that the ball BOUNCED on the NO-LOOK heave over the shoulder by the holder before the kicker picked it up (noted). Les Miles knows Onions! A few years ago we did an x-ray of Les Miles and found this:



No wonder this guy is a favorite here at Gimme Some Onions!

(Ok, so we didn't actually do this x-ray, it was made by LSUfreek for one of our favorite blogs "Every Day Should Be Saturday". Original post from EDSBS can be found here)

Also, this isn't the first time that Miles has called this particular fake field goal. Against South Carolina in 2007, Miles dialed up this play call and things ran more smoothly. The kicker received the no-look toss perfectly and ran into the end-zone untouched. Check it out here. To paraphrase one of my favorite lines in Forrest Gump, "Crazy is as crazy does"

League Championship Preview

We have our first contributing post here at Gimme Some Onions! An appetizing preview of the National League and American League Championship Series was written up by our favorite resident USC homer. After a 162 game season, Major League Baseball is finally playing some games that matter. Check out this article and know who to follow:

New York Yankees vs. Texas Rangers

Both teams come into the series with question marks in their pitching staff. The Yanks are led by CC and then have Phil Hughes, Andy Pettitte, and AJ Burnett. Not the murderers row of pitchers they have had in previous years but similar to the one that worked to win the World Series last year. The Rangers counter using CJ Wilson, Colby Lewis, Cliff Lee, and Tommy Hunter. Lee is the obvious anchor in this young staff. Using Lee for Game 5 against the Rays sets him back to start Game 3. The Rangers pitching do not go far into the games and eat into the bullpen too much. While the Yankee pitching has been inconsistent throughout the year, the Rangers’ staff has a lower ERA but lacks experience in the postseason. The postseason changes players and the Yankee pitchers are a known commodity that will be solid while the Rangers could be terrific or terrifically horrible. For the hitters, former Rangers ARod and Texeira lead the Yankees. The Yankees have outscored the Rangers (859-787) this season. The Rangers counter with Josh “I have been Reborn with Ginger Ale” Hamilton. Nelson Cruz has been clutch lately with a walk-off homer against the Yanks in September and hit four homeruns against the Rays. Let’s just say Cruz has been Appalachian State hot, hot, hot.

Onions Says: The Rangers have a Jekyll and Hyde face last series with their ability to score more than 3 runs before the seventh in Games 1, 2, and 5 (all wins) and less than 2 in games 4 and 5 (losses). Cruz cannot do it all and even though he is healthy, Hamilton does not look like the MVP he was in the season. The Yankee bullpen will shut down the games. Look for the Yankees get off to a 2-1 lead after Game 3 and close it up before Cliff Lee can see the mound in Game 6 again. (I really do not want to hear about how Hamilton cannot be tempted by the vice of alcohol again.)

Bonus Question Time: What is larger: CC's Postseason ERA or the number of pinstripes on his jersey?

 

Philadelphia Phillies vs. San Francisco Giants

Chicks dig the long ball so expect this series to be a sausage-fest. Both teams have the best staffs left standing. Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Jonathan Sanchez lead the Gigantes with Madison Bumgarner bringing up the rear. All three pitchers sport ERAs less than 3.50. Lincecum leads the staff with his 14K, 2 hit, shutout in Game 1 in one of the greatest postseason performances ever. This is only the second-best postseason outing by a pitcher this postseason because Doc Halladay decided to throw a no-hitter to kick off postseason baseball. Behind Halladay, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels (and Joe Blanton) lurk. Roy-O looks rejuvenated in the second half of the season going 7-1 with a 1.74 ERA after being traded from the Astros where he looked defeated from the perpetual lack of run support. Halladay, Roy-O, and Hamels shut down the best hitting NL team, the Reds, by holding them to 6 runs in 3 games. GM Ruben Amaro built the team for the postseason having 3 frontline aces for games 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7 (Game 4 will be irrelevant as well as Games 6 and 7). It is going to be hard to hit against either staff but give the Phils the edge. On the batting side, the Phillies have the better edge. 33 year-old Aubrey Huff leads the Giants in batting this year after his post Rays wanderings from the Astros, Orioles, and the Tigers. The second best hitter has been ROOKIE Buster Posey. The Big Panda looks likes he has been eating too much. Even though, the Phillies’ hitters have not had the best season (batting only 3 percentage points better than the Giants .257 team average), there are more pieces to like. Ryan Howard is always a threat to hit being one of the premier hitters in the league. Utley and Rollins can always deliver. Neither team hits well but the Phillies have a better lineup. The Phillies replaced Pat Burrell and Aaron Rowand for a reason.

Onions Says: Pitching will dominate the series. Expect the bats to stay quiet but Ryan Howard will start hitting. Jayson Werth needs a fatter contract next year and the spotlight provides an opportunity to become the “Savior.” Brad Lidge closes out the games without a problem due to the lack of Pujols. The Phillies return to the World Series in 4 games. 

Haiku- Doc, Roy-O, Hamels/Pitching Wins All Championships/ Need I Say More, Eh?

DTF Athlete of the Month

Guess what is making an appearance a month after the last time you saw it? No, I'm not talking about the reason you get penicillin from your pharmacist (what happens in Cancun doesn't really stay in Cancun), I'm talking about the DTF Athlete of the Month Award! For those of you unsure why this award is handed out, check out this post for a brief description of the award and our first winner.

Wow. So many people to choose from this month.  Our eventual winner laid claim to this honor in early September, but several worthy challengers emerged during the month. I'll start out with the honorable mention before I give our winner the attention that he deserves.

2nd Runner-up
Karen F. Owen

I already know what you're going to say, "she's not an athlete" and "she shouldn't have her sex life examined in this forum". To which I reply, "Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!" Owen's fake Duke senior thesis on "horizontal academics" demonstrates her willingness to take hook-ups from the casual to the absurd; in many ways, her profound commitment to jersey chasing is turning the endeavor into a sport. Now, I don't want to turn this site into a gossip rag (I do want to hold on to some kind of "journalistic integrity"), but I had to find out what Karen Owen looks like (that matters, doesn't it? I'm not a sexist pig for wondering what she looks like, right? Moving on). I was able to track down this picture; Ms. Owen is the brunette on the left (please don't keep all the jokes about the blonde on the right to yourself. I wanna hear them!)  I salute you Karen F. Owen (wonder what the "F." stands for...). Hopefully reports that you'll get a book or movie deal  are accurate because you are not really that employable right now.

1st Runner-up
Carlos Salcido

Salcido, a Mexican international and defender for Fulham in the English Premier League, is fighting allegations that he hooked up with a transvestite in a now infamous Mexican team party that resulted in the suspension of 13 players on the Mexican national team (I would want to party with team Mexico but Jose Cuervo and transvestites is not part of my usual recipe for a good night out). All but one of the suspended players were featured in Mexico's 2010 World Cup roster. Salcido's lady male lady-male friend claims that she pleasured him in a hotel bathroom (always classy) and alerted him a couple days after the encounter about her his her-his sexual identity. There's a picture of the transvestite in the first link. Was Salcido fooled or does he have the worst beer goggles of all-time?

Salcido, however, was not the most DTF player in the EPL this month. That honor goes to England international and Manchester United forward Wayne "Shrek" Rooney.



Rooney is the subject of recent tabloid fodder (what was that I said about not turning this site into a gossip rag...) ever since the revelations of his 1200 pounds a night fling with a prostitute was publicized (Rooney is currently married).This is not the first time Rooney has taken a prostitute to bed. When he was 19 (and unmarried) he admitted to hooking up with a 48 year-old grandmother nicknamed "Auld Slapper" at the relatively inexpensive rate of 45 pounds a night (they practiced division together and figured out that 19 can go into 48 many more times than 48 can go into 19).

In a perfect world, "Shrek's" current personal life should have replaced the alternative ending to Nike's "Just Roo It" commercial. Instead of seeing himself become an overweight groundskeeper as a result of losing the World Cup, Nike should have made the alternate ending for Rooney a future of his life examined by the tabloids and a seat on the Manchester bench because his club manager is too afraid to play him (this is currently the state of affairs for Rooney). Maybe then Rooney might have had a better World Cup showing (0 goals in 4 matches).

Rooney started out brutally unapologetic, like everyone's favorite Aussie party boy, but has since tried to clean things up with his wife and her family, even planning a "second honeymoon" with the Mrs. in a few weekends (Are you taking notes Tiger?). Congratulations to Wayne Rooney, our DTF Athlete of the Month for September!

Weekend Preview

This weekend features some great games in the English Premier League, College Football and the NFL (note: always the NFL, never the "NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE" like every annoying ESPN analyst who used to play says it). Here's the rundown:

Arsenal v. Chelsea
Sunday, 11:00 AM EST

We’re basically through 1/5 of the EPL season (matchweek 7 of 38) and this game will have important implications for the rest of the season. League leaders Chelsea return to their home stadium at Stamford Bridge eager to right the ship following their first defeat of the season last week against nouveau riche(st) Manchester City, (shoutout to ESPN's David Hirshey for coining the witty term "nouveau richest". I will be co-opting and using it in the foreseeable future). No, chicken little, the sky is not falling but after tallying 21 goals in 5 matches Chelsea should be concerned that they did not seriously trouble Man City at all last weekend in a 1-0 loss. And it’s not like Man City has an impenetrable back 4 as this Kolo Toure – Joe Hart blunder shows

Meanwhile, Arsenal looks to bring the noise  and pull within one point of Chelsea. Arsenal is nursing an unreal amount of injuries as captain Cesc Fabregas, speed merchant Theo Walcott and brainy defender Thomas Vermaelan are all likely to be out. All of these injuries are problematic for Arsenal, but the Vermaelan one has some humor in it. His unfortunate injury has forced (French) Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger to field an all-French back four of Bacary  Sagna, Laurent Koscielny, Sebastien Squillaci and Gael Clichy. The prospect of four French defenders protecting goal keeper Manuel Almunia is like Lindsay Lohan running a rehab facility: things are supposed to stay out but you'll know they'll get in somehow...

Will Chelsea re-stake a claim to wrapping up the EPL championship by Thanksgiving (and send Arsenal 7 points adrift at the same time)? Will Arsenal stop being a tease and make claims of bringing back their first trophy to the Emirates since 2005 a serious statement? Will I get serious and stop asking questions?

Philadelphia Eagles v. Washington Redskins
Sunday, 4:15 PM EST, Fox

Well, this is awkward. Recently deposed Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb returns to the city that he helped lead to 4 consecutive NFC championship games and 1 Superbowl (where McNabb's nervousness in the clutch caused this to allegedly happened. Yes, I recycled that link. No, I don’t give a damn). For the first time in his career, McNabb will suit up in the visitor's locker room as a member of the Washington Redskins.

Meanwhile, on the Philadelphia sideline Kevin Kolb, McNabb’s heir apparent, is back to clipboard holding duty after 10 stellar quarters from none other than…

Michael Vick? The Vick experience is back and it’s not Michael Vick as his alter ego Ron Mexico; it’s video game Vick from Madden circa 2003 (What’s the deal with the pseudonym Ron Mexico? Was it because Mike Honcho was already taken?). Through two and a half games this year, Vick has compiled 750 passing yards and 6 TDs versus 0 INTs. Additionally he's run for 170 yards and another TD. Most impressive is Vick's completion percentage is at 61.5%, more than 10% higher than his career completion percentage of 51.4%.

The list of subplots in this game is long and distinguished, like my Johnson

• Will a great game by Donovan McNabb cause the heads of many Eagles faithful to explode after witnessing a result they advocated for years (getting rid of McNabb)  take place (Please God, let this happen. Eagles fans are the worse. Like these guys)
• Will Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan ask for the yardage gained to be measured by the tenth? (See the bottom of this post for insight into why I can't stand Shanahan)
• Will Michael Vick continue his unholy alliance with the devil and continue playing out of his cranium? I know I’m tired of asking questions so hopefully this game produces some answers. I'm excited to see this one play out

#9 Stanford versus #4 Oregon
Saturday, 8:00 PM EST, ESPN

This game is a harbinger of things to come for the rest of the college football season. First, no more Cupcake State on the schedule, real programs with real aspirations of a BCS bowl are going to be playing opponents from places you’ve heard of (no more playing “Duke” for you Alabama). Secondly, rivalry games and conference/regional games will dominate the schedule. The first Saturday in October is famous for the Red River Shoot between Texas and Oklahoma (Just broke my vow to pretend that Texas has stopped playing football this year until they stop losing to 21 point underdogs at HOME. FML) Additionally, the whole month of October is filled with equally appetizing rivalries such as Alabama - Florida, LSU - Arkansas and Florida State - Miami to name a few.

Oregon boasts some statistics that are truly laughable on paper. Last week, the Ducks entered their Pac-10 home opener against Arizona State with the #1 scoring offense AND #1 scoring defense in the conference. They did this by playing New Mexico (72-0) and Tennessee (48-13) and Portland state (69-0). That is the football equivalent of handing a smallpox laden blanket to a Native American in the 1600s…

Stanford might be better than we previously thought. Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, told his team that "no one on the corner has swagga like us" and the Cardinal are playing like it. Stanford scores early and often like they're in a crack den with Amy Winehouse (what happened to her?). So far, they havesteamrolled through their schedule, most notably pounding UCLA 35-0 at UCLA. This is the same UCLA team that beat #7 Texas in Austin last weekend (Ugh. I just broke the “don’t mention Texas football pact” I made with myself again. One more time and I have to get a tattoo of Roseanne on my chest like Tom Arnold. Wait, he didn’t do that because he lost a dare? He was married to her? Damnnnnnn)

Expect the scoreboard to get blown and both teams to be doing it. Doing it allll night long...

College Football Season Preview (Part 2)

Yeah, I know it's been more almost three weeks since College Football Season Preview (Part 1). Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk, but I'm also surprised you lived this long without Part 2 in your life; fear no more, the wait is over.

I received some feedback that I didn't have enough defensive players in Part 1, so I'm gonna represent that side of the field more. For the record, defense is like foreplay, it just fills space between business time (aka OFFENSE).

Defense

Marvin Austin, DE/DT, University of North Carolina
Ok, this is a joke. Austin was supposed to anchor an experienced UNC defense that would terrorize the ACC, but he is currently suspended indefinitely for "trips to Florida parties, California training sessions and his work with a tutor". Additionally, Austin is just one of TWELVE UNC players currently suspended for suspected academic and/or extra-curricular violations. Please excuse UNC head coach Butch Davis as he lights himself on fire.

Marcell Dareus, DE, University of Alabama
This is where a pattern starts. Dareus, the defensive MVP of last year's national championship game (hold on a second I just blacked out while trying to suppress memories of an injured Colt McCoy throwing on the sideline as freshman QB Garret Gilbert threw 4 INTs...and, like your crashed gchat, I'm back!!!), was suspended for the first two games of the season for "receiving preferential treatment and agent benefits, including airfare, lodging, meals and transportation during a pair of Miami trips". As a thinner, faster, more athletic Terrence Cody we'll see Dareus wreak havoc for more than 2 snaps a game.


Akeem Ayers, LB, University of California - Los Angeles
Before I started throwing up Exorcist style when Texas fell behind 21 points AT HOME to UCLA last weekend, I was very impressed with Akeem Ayers performance. I don't know how that game ended because I blacked it out (the second theme of this post), but I imagine Ayers continued throwing UT's offensive lineman around like they were rag dolls. Here's my thought process in trying to describe Ayers: Ever seen Transformers? (the cartoon, not those god awful Michael Bay POS films that keep emptying a theater near you) Ever hungered for energon crystals? Then you'll know that  University of California (Berkeley) alum, Marshawn Lynch says it best: Akeem Ayers style is BEAST MODE.

Prince Amukamara, DB, University of Nebraska
I love the name, you need to have a great name and a healthy ego to play defensive back (Deion Sanders anyone?). Also, Prince's name keeps my dream alive that we will live in a society where I can name my kid "Boss" and no one blinks. Boss Miyagi is a name with street cred (and sounds like a Yakuza gang leader). On a more serious note, Amukamara continues Nebraska's tradition of undeniably dominant defensive players can change the tenor of a game with one play (Amukamara takes over for Ndamukong Suh, the 2nd overall pick in last year's NFL draft). Do not throw to his side of the field. Do not even look to his side of the field. And definitely DO NOT say "what?" when he asks you a question...

Offense

A.J. Green, WR, University of Georgia
Consistent with the theme of this preview, Green is serving a 4 match suspension for a practice that takes place everyday in university athletic stores. Check out Mike Wilbon's take on the ridiculous nature of Green's suspension for selling a game-worn jersey on eBay. On the field, Green uses his 6' 4", 210 lb frame to straight up clown defenders...must be the money.

Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford University
I know, I know Part 1 included three QB's, but I gotta show some love to the Stanford stand-out (also this helps show that I don't have an East Coast bias, I toot it and boot it with the West Coast). Putting Luck on this list took a lot of discipline, because really, I hate Luck for being infinitely smarter than me. Not only does Luck get an elite education at Stanford, but Stanford is in an unincorporated city with its own drinking laws, like no open container violations. When Luck isn't throwing 5 TDs a game and embarrassing ACC weaklings (I'm looking at you Wake Forest), he's known to venture to the main quad and get his freak on.

Michael Floyd, WR, University of Notre Dame
Outside of that one week a year when Michael Floyd is singing Michigan's fight song, Hail to the Victors, in his sleep, (I kid, I kid ND fans, go take pictures in front of Touchdown Jesus and feel better about yourself) Floyd is one of the best deep threat receivers in the country. He doesn't get into off the field shenanigans like former teammate Golden Tate did (Who breaks into donut shops at 3 AM? Who does that? Who has time?!?!) and his on the field production is stronger for it. Do your thing young Floyd

Dear Diary: Brett Favre Edition

Here at Gimme Some Onions! we're always looking for ways to distinguish the blog and decided to try our hand at this whole "investigative journalism" thing. Investigative journalism wasn't for us, but that doesn't mean that the fruits of that kind of labor aren't. We bring you Brett Favre's in-game diary from last weekend when the Minnesota Vikings played the Miami Dolphins on the road.

12:42 PM: (In the locker room)
"Why am I here? Oh yeah, my consecutive starting streak. I wonder why more people don't call me out for being a selfish prick when I insist on starting injured. When's the last time you showed up to work sick and outperformed everyone else in the office?"
1:08 PM: (On the field during pre-game)
"I just wanna shoot Wrangler's commercials and collect paychecks. Ever notice how in later editions of this commercial, my yellow shirt doesn't have a green 4 on it? Yeah, suck it Packers, I told them to do that"
1:17 PM: (After a 15-yard gain from Adrian Peterson in the Wild Cat formation)
"I could play WR, this shit is easy..."
1:44 PM: (After 1st interception of the game)
"Gotta remember to thank Dr. James Andrews for helping me out with shoulder and ankle surgery these past two years. God knows I wouldn't have been able to extort money from the Jets and Vikings without him"
2:25 PM: (Following a sack and a fumble for a turnover)
"Do I have the all-time sack and fumble record too?"
2:43 PM: (After 2nd interception of the game)
"I KNOW I have the all-interception record. My cowboy/gunslinger label in the media lets me play interceptions off as looking for a play when really, I'm a reckless me-first player that doesn't care where I put the ball"
2:52 PM: (Halftime)
"What do I have to do to get on that top 10 most disliked athletes list? And why are there only black guys in the top 6, is this some sort of weird affirmative action thing? I'm coming for Kobe's spot..."
3:06 PM After a 13 play drive (11 runs, 2 passes for a total of 10 yards)
"I'm playing like Betty White out there, I need a snickers"
3:33 PM: (After 3rd interception of the game)
"I wonder if I can get a cell phone camera down here so I can send pictures of my junk to Jenn. LOL :-)"
4:23 PM: (After an incompletion on 4th and 6)
"That was my 63rd pass of the season, that works out to (does math in head)...$25,400 a pass attempt"
4:32 PM: (End of Game)
"Shout out to Brad Childress and Minnesota Owner Zygi Wilf for giving me a 1-yr/$16 million contract. The idea that I would duplicate last year's 33 TD/7 INT/107.2 Passer Rating (career low in INTs/career high in Rating) as a 40 year-old quarterback is more ridiculous than Hugh Grant thinking that Divine Brown is a tennnnnn..."




(By the way, Minnesota lost 14 to 10; Favre's line for the game: 22/36, 225 yards, 0 TD/3 INT, 1 fumble lost, 44.3 Passer Rating)

Weekend Onions!

This weekend treated us to two play calls that demanded Onions! recognition.

Let's set the stage for Notre Dame @ Michigan State:

• In their half of the first overtime, Michigan State needs a field goal to extend the game into a second overtime and a touchdown to win.
• QB Kirk Cousins is sacked for a 9 yd loss on 3rd and 5. MSU faces a 4th and 14 on the ND 29 yard line.
• Enter evil genius head coach, Mike Dantonio.

So what looks like a routine 46 yard field goal ends up going down like this.

Mike Dantonio you get to do the patented Sam Cassell "Balls Dance" demonstrated here by Kobe Bryant (calm down Kobe haters, I couldn't find Cassell actually doing this dance online so I went with Kobe Bean. If anyone finds Sam doing this dance, I'll gladly swap links since Sam did invent the dance).

In fact, this play call required Dantonio to summon so much power from his onions that he actually had a heart attack, everyone knows that when you go use Onions! it's a physically taxing event (kind of like having sex with Fat Bastard). Now doctors with all their "fancy learnin" and "degrees" will try to tell you that things like "heredity", "diet" and "physical fitness" were responsible for Dantonio's heart attack but we hear at Gimme Some Onions! know the real story. We wish coach Dantonio the speediest recovery and hope that there are more Onions! plays like this in the future (minus the whole heart attack situation).

Our second Onions! call of the weekend came courtesy of the Houston Texans.

The Texans who regularly never start their season 2-0, improved their record to 2-0 for the first time after head coach Gary Kubiak decided that he was going to do his best Blazing Saddles impersonation and went for broke late in the 4th quarter.

"First downs? We don't need no stinkin first downs, we need TOUCH DOWNS!"

I'll bullet point summary this one too:

• After 3 straight incompletions, the Texans face a 4th and 10 from the Redskins 34.
• Trailing 20-27 with just over 2 minutes left, the Texans have to go for it here or it's game over
• Time-out, Texans. Gary Kubiak eats his mushrooms and grows some Onions!
• Next play, Matt Schaub (38/52, 497 yards and 3 TDs) launches a 34 yard strike to WR Andre Johnson and this game is headed into overtime.

We here at Onions! know that Onions! equals victory, and the Texans prevailed 30-27 in overtime after some overtime shenanigans of their own (discussed below).

This game had a cameo from the sweet/vengeful karma gods. Resident  NFL coach d-bag, Mike Shanahan,  inventor of one of my least favorite plays in football had his comeuppance with karma (try to read what I assume is his self-authored bio. If you feel like you will get overwhelmed with the desire to gouge your eyes out and stop, I will understand.  Shanahan must be feeling himself like he lost his keys. How else do you explain him remembering, to a tenth of yardage, how many yards per game the 1977 North Arizona Lumberjacks averaged when he was only the BACKFIELD COACH???). You know what play I'm talking about, the one where the kicker thinks that he's hit a game winning field-goal, but the rival head coach has actually called a time-out with one second left on the clock. That way, there is not enough time to stop the play from happening so the soon-to-be aborted play continues as planned, but the game winning field-goal will have to be attempted again. Well, this time, karma reared its beautiful/ugly head when Kubiak used this method to nullify what would have been a game winning 52 yard field-goal by Redskins kicker Graham Gano in overtime. That's right Shanahan, karma is a bitch and apparently that bitch has it out for you...

We are the champions...

Team USA does what it does and that is basically own the rest of the world in a little game called basketball.
Here is the run-down from our 2010 FIBA tournament:
Group Play:
USA 106, Croatia 78
USA 99, Slovenia 77
USA 70, Brazil 68 (were we in a coma?)
USA 88, Iran 51
USA 95, Tunisia 57

Round of 16: USA 121, Angola 66
Quarter-final:USA 89, Russia 79
Semifinal: USA 89, Lithuania 74
Final: USA 81, 64

Here's a quick montage of our basketball rampage against the rest of the world

(You didn't a. actually think I have the resources or b. have the time to make a montage video, did you? Future point of reference: Here at Onions! when we say montage, we mean Rocky IV)

Add it up and you get pure dominance. Undefeated 5 wins and 0 losses in the group play capped by an undefeated run of 4 wins and 0 losses in the out-rounds. Though winning the tournament was the most important statistic for Team USA; this has to be my favorite stat from FIBA 2010:

(Courtesy of ESPN's Bill Simmons)

Kevin Durant, last three USA games: 100 points, 35-for-59 shooting (59 percent), 15 3-pointers.
Everyone else on Team USA, last three games: 159 points, 57-for-146 shooting (39 percent), 14 3-pointers.

I'm gonna go light myself on fire now. Can you believe those numbers?! I haven't seen that kind of individual production in a team game since Hugo Stiglitz joined the Basterds in 1944.

What's next for Team USA?

The winner of the FIBA tournament automatically qualifies for the Olympics in 2012 (in London town) so we're golden on that front. More interestingly though is the 2011 FIBA Americas in Argentina. My guess is that we'll send out a team of scrubs (I'm waiting on that phone call Coach Kryzyzewski...) and save the big guns (Kobe, LeBron, Durant, etc.) for the 2012 games.

Don't get your hopes up, kids...

Coming into this weekend, I was very excited about 3 inter-conference showdowns. For a long-time follower of college football, these games all had strong historical relevance and to spice up the games, all of these teams were currently ranked in the top 20.

The last time Miami and Ohio State played each other was in the infamous 2002 Fiesta Bowl where Ohio State profited from one of the worst calls in the history of sports and ended up winning 31-24 in 2OT. (Yes, I'm still bitter. In fact, I'm going to continue drinking bitter beer and have my bitter beer face on as I write the rest of this post)

Florida State and Oklahoma last met when they played for the 2001 BCS National Championship (Oklahoma won 13-2) and more recently this game starts a home-and-home for the Seminoles and Sooners with the Sooners traveling to Tallahassee to face the 'Noles in 2011.

Lastly, Penn State and Alabama haven't played each other in decades. But way back in 1978 these two teams played in the Sugar Bowl for the National Championship (Alabama won 14-7). I didn't think all of the games were going to be extremely competitive, but I expected the road teams to at least show up and have more self-respect than Tony Montana in front of a mound of cocaine...

Instead 2 of the 3 games were complete laughers and one of them might've held my interest if Miami's star quarterback, Jacory Harris, didn't make a habit of throwing it to the other team. Let's name the culprits from this past weekend:

• No. 1 Alabama climbed on top of No. 18 State Penn Penn State after they dropped the soap and won 24-3. Penn State's only points came in the 4th quarter  
• No. 10 Oklahoma dropped a bomb on No. 17 Florida State in a 47-17 game. Honestly, the score wasn't that close. FSU scored 10 of it's 17 in the 4th while Oklahoma added a field goal.
• Lastly, No. 2 Ohio State beat it up like gorillas when they faced No. 12 Miami in the Horseshoe. They won by a comfortable margin (36-24) but this game was close for most of the first half with Miami holding the lead twice in the opening 30 minutes. And then Jacory Harris made it rain interceptions...

(I was tempted to include a link to the Fat Joe's "Make it Rain" video there, but I decided to exercise self-restraint. Wait, I don't know what self-restraint is, grab your umbrella here)


Part of the problem with these inter-conference games is that they featured two ACC teams (Miami and Florida State). For those who don't know, the ACC is the conference of hipsters. Apparently, no one cares about winning. Check out some additional ACC results from this past weekend:

• No. 13 Virginia Tech lost to Division II JAMES MADISON in their home opener. I asked a friend to come up with some reasons why this would happen, but then his head exploded. Needless to say, I didn't try to come up with any analysis after that happened.
• No. 15 Georgia Tech tasted defeat after losing to previously win-less Kansas on the road. This is the same Kansas team that lost 6-3 against North Dakota State. I challenge readers to 1. find North Dakota on a map and 2. make me give a damn after doing so.

So after going 0-4 this past weekend, what's the deal with ACC? Let's see how this works out in the Gimme Some Onions! Court of Law:

• Prosecution: The ACC was favored in two games (Georgia Tech and Virginia Tech) and underdogs in the two other matchups (Miami and Florida State). At a minimum, they should've gone 2-2; 0-4 wasn't even part of the plan because JAMES MADISON and KANSAS were on the schedule.
• Defense: 3 of the 4 games were played on the road in tough environments (@ Ohio State, @ Oklahoma, @ Kansas). Ok, so maybe @ Kansas isn't a tough road environment, especially now that Mark Mangino isn't stalking the concessions guy sideline. Either way, home crowds have a way of juicing  the home team, kind of like Ron-Ron Juice...
• Ruling: The ACC is severely overrated and is going to get beat like a red-headed step-child when they play any school that is serious about winning football games. I suggest the ACC start entering it's teams in less competitive sports, like the Hipster Olympics.

Are you ready?

For some football!!!

That Hank Williams, Jr. theme song will always be one the first sounds I think of when I see football. Well, that, and this great mix of ESPN football music (keep this playing in the background while you read; these songs go together with this article like peanut butter and jelly)

Thursday night the New Orleans Saints and the Minnesota Vikings played the first game of the 2010 NFL season which was a snooze-fest of a game. The Saints won 14-9, but this game fell very short last year's NFC Championship Game, which had audiences strapped to their seats because of all the shit-in-your-pants excitement (I know I wasn't the only one, right?) This time around, there wasn't any scoring in the 4th quarter and Minny's lone touchdown of the game occurred in their 2 minute  hurry-up offense right before the half.

The game's marquee names had pedestrian outings by their standards:

• Demi-god Drew Brees (or Breesus) threw for 237 yards and 1 TD with 0 INT. He completed 27/36 passes for a QB rating of 101.7; this marks the 30th time in 64 games that Brees has had a QB rating over 100 for the Saints
• Adrian "Fumbles" Peterson ran for 87 yards on 19 carries (0 TD)
• Brett Favre had the worst game of all the headliners. He only completed 15/27 passes for 1 TD and 1 INT. This great table from ESPN.com sums up his night nicely. Maybe he retired when the Saints sent 5+ rushers and un-retired when they didn't...

	4 rushers or fewer	5 rushers or more
Comp-Att	12-1	3-13
Yards per att.	7.6	5.0
TD-Int	1-0	0-1
Passer rtg.	122.0	15.9

Where do we go from here?

The Vikings head back to the land of Prince and the Revolution for a week 2 showdown against the upstart Miami Dolphins. Vikings fans better hope that Brett Favre stays un-retired the whole game...

Los Santos travel to San Franciso for a Monday night game against the 49ers. Look for better play calling from Saints coach Sean Payton (the Saints only ran the ball 3 times in the 1st half against the Vikes) and a strong showing from a prolific Saints offense.

College Football Season Preview (Part 1)

Aaaand because I'm lazy and waited until the end of the season's first week, this is going to be a review as well...

Let's kick things off with the preview:

But before we do, I wanna get this off my chest:

This season marks the end of an era in many ways. Big-time players that you either hated or loved (Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Jimmy Clausen) are gone and the turnover from underclassmen entering the draft means that many traditional names that "reload and don't rebuild" (Texas, Alabama, Florida, etc.) are starting guys who were riding pine the last few seasons or are freshman. It’s going to be a wide open year and I can’t wait to be a part of all the ridiculousness. And by be a part of it, I mean the illegal work that I did with a sports agent to get a ton of players suspended (here’s looking at you UNC, South Carolina and Alabama)

Also, this FCS - FBS division thing  is a joke, Gimme Some Onions! articles are going with the (if it ain't broke, don't fix it) names of Division I, II, and III. That's right, we're gonna talk about Division I football, this ain't intramurals brother...

Players to watch (not in any particular order, this list is a combination of players I expect to be very entertaining/productive. This is not a Heisman (easily the most overrated award in sports) watch list or something similarly boring. Go ahead and check out the list of Heisman winners, I wouldn't wish that award on players I hate (I'm looking at you Terrelle Pryor)

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Not the most physically gifted or athletic quarterback in Division I, but he just gets the job done. He's the anti-Jake Locker. Instead of impressing with his 6' 5" frame and rocket-arm, this kid goes out there and wins football games. Original, huh?

Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan
"Shoelace" will undoubtedly be one of the most exciting players to watch all year. Not quite sure how many wins that will translate into, but it seems that Rich Rodriguez has found his rich-man's poor-man's homeless-man's Vince Young or to keep it simple, his Pat White at Michigan.

Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Richardson, a sophomore, is by all accounts the best running back on a team which includes last year's Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. It's gonna get awkward when (if?) the Alabama coaching staff realizes this...

Patrick Peterson, CB/KR, Louisiana State University
This list was getting little QB/RB heavy and Peterson is the perfect guy to break that trend. He is the best CB in the country right now; also, as North Carolina learned routinely discovered last weekend, he's a lethal KR too. We might not see too many explosive plays on that side of the field for Peterson when teams start kicking it away from him...

P.s. Is the strike-through throwing anyone off? Didn't think so...

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
The swagger of the U is back and no one does it better than Jacory Harris. I want Harris invited to the Heisman ceremony just so we can see if he's going to stick to his word and wear a pink suit and have a pimp cup (I know the Heisman sucks, but that doesn't mean the ceremony has to). Personally, I think Harris should dress like Deion Sanders when he got off the plane to sign his contract with the Atlanta Falcons, but I have a thing for jheri curls and gold chains.

Game of the Week: 
Boise State (33) over Virginia Tech (30)
Apparently, you do save the best for last if you're talking about week 1 of this College Football Season. This game was closer than the score suggested with Boise needing a 5 play 56 yard drive in the final 2 minutes to take the lead and win. This extends Boise's winning streak to 15 games in a row, mostly against the uber-dominant WAC *Kanye shrug*


Game that you would have preferred stapling your hand to the wall than watch:  
Oregon (72) over New Mexico (0)
Yep, you read that correctly, Oregon dropped a 72 spot on the Lobos. They beat New Mexico like they stole something. Not sure who was owned worse: New Mexico this year or Byron Hout's face last year

Onions! Call of the Week:

Navy, trailing Maryland 17-14 in the 4th quarter (37 seconds to go) faced a 4th and goal on the Maryland 6 inch line. Navy coach, Ken Niumatalolo, reading from the Frank Solich "F*ck a tie, I'm going to win this thing" playbook showed some serious Onions! by sending his offense back on the field. Although they were stopped short by Maryland and ended up losing the game the Gimme Some Onions! staff applauds the boldness of Coach Niumatalolo

DTF Athlete of the Month

It's September 3rd and I almost forgot to name last month's Tiger Woods Memorial DTF Athlete of the month. For those of you who spent the last 10 months living under a rock since last Novemeber when this happened, Tiger Woods established himself as the most DTF athlete of all-time (sorry Wilt Chamberlain, but Tiger's sexcapades are WELL documented). The winner of August's award is...(drum roll) Tyler Patrick Thomas, a (former) offensive lineman at Oregon State University. Here's a quick summary of Tyler's dirty deeds:

• Found naked and intoxicated in a STRANGER'S home
• After the police told him to get on the ground, dropped into a 3 point stance and LUNGED at the officers
• At least two officers fired their stun guns to subdue Thomas
• He was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest

Tyler is entered into our DTF athlete of the year award (due out in December 2010). Be sure to post comments or send suggestions if you hear about any DTF athlete behavior between now and then.

Golazooooooo!

Warning: English Premier League announcers save your voices. You'll be off the air in a couple of weeks if you celebrate goals like this guy
 

It's only matchweek 3, but this EPL season is pregnant with the promise of a year with great scoring (that's the first time all year someone has combined "English Premier League" and "pregnant" without mentioning Gabby Abonlahor. Wait, I mentioned Abonlahor, damn...)

The four 6-0 margins witnessed this year are FOUR OF THE TWENTY 6-0 games in the HISTORY of the Premier League. The next logical question is what does all this scoring mean? Well, for American sports fans with ADD/ADHD, this means that soccer is more watchable. And after the huge audience/ratings of the World Cup, maybe this is finally the year that soccer "arrives". Of course soccer has been trying to "arrive" in the U.S. since the 1970s, so don't hold your breath.

For more seasoned viewers, analysis of this recent goal binge breaks down into two competing views. The first view argues that this goal-fest is indicative of an approach where more teams are playing to win instead of playing not to lose. Sports Illustrated's Georgina Turner believes that teams are making it rain goals because their opponents are chasing the game at scores that they would normally change their strategy and pack it in and start playing hyper-defensively. In the old days, teams like Blackpool, West Brom and Wigan would play it more conservatively than a Tea Party candidate on Fox News when they fell behind 2-0. Now these same teams are playing with more reckless abandon than a drunk guy at Coachella and find themselves on the wrong side of some truly lopsided results.

Alternatively, the explosion in goals can be seen as evidence for the growing gulf between the EPL's haves and have-nots. Jonathan Wilson, also with Sports Illustrated, writes that these one-sided margins are part of a growing trend in the EPL that is decades old. In 1995, Blackburn was the first and last team to win the EPL that was not named Arsenal, Chelsea, or Manchester United. Let's take a look at some of the good statistical knowledge that Wilson drops to try to explain the widening gap between the EPL's elite sides and the rest:

• The gap between 1st  and 4th is growing
• "Between 1999 and 2003, the average gap between first and fourth in England was 16 points, and between first and fifth 20.4. In the following five seasons, those averages increased to 24 and 29.6, respectively, proof of an ever-stretching league"
• The gap between 4th and 4th from the bottom is also growing
• "In 2007-08, the team finishing fourth in the Premier League, Liverpool, averaged 1.05 points per game more than the side finishing fourth from the bottom, Fulham, the greatest such separation in Europe's major four leagues over the past decade"

As with most competing theories, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle (insert crude joke here)....although I think Wilson is closer to getting it right. What do y'all think?

Team USA's Coming Out Party

Madrid, Spain

The 1992 USA Team that dominated the Barcelona Olympics it was not. Long gone are the days where our international competition takes their 40+ point whupping and asks for autographs when the game is over. Instead, last Saturday and Sunday saw Team USA struggle before winning 2 exhibition games in the run up to this year's 2010 FIBA World Championship. This version of Team USA is missing some serious star power from the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. If you scan the roster you will not see some of the NBA's biggest names that played so well in Beijing like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, or Dwight Howard. In a youth-movement of sorts (I know Chauncey Billups is on this team and he started balling with Father Time), the "Darantula", Kevin Durant headlines a group of rising NBA superstars in Madrid. 


I'm not even going to talk about the first game against Lithuania. We'll get the cliff notes version from Rasheed Wallace . Ok, so maybe that didn't really fill you in as to what took place, but this game was so dismal that you're gonna thank me when you read these condensed bullet points

• Team USA opens up the first half shooting 3 for 26 and an anemic 7 point first quarter
• Halftime score: Lithuania 29, USA 26. I would have rather stapled my hand to a wall than watch this first half...
• Rudy Gay knocks down four free throws after a flagrant foul in the 3rd quarter and turns a 1 point 50-49 lead into a 5 point cushion
• Team USA wakes up and realizes that they're playing LITHUANIA(!!!!), hitting the cruise control en route to a 77-61 win.

The second game against Spain may reveal the character of this USA team going forward. After building a comfortable 69-58 lead after 3 quarters against the Spaniards, Team USA started to slack and let in the 4th quarter and let Spain back into the game. The hometown team took its first lead of the game (82-80) with an 8-0 run that was fueled by plain awful shot-selection and carelessness from American players (I'm talking about your air-balled 3 Lamar Odom...)

The last 30 seconds of the game were spectacular (USA-Spain Recap) 

Kevin Durant, the aforementioned "Darantula" used his obscene 7' 6" wingspan to deny Ricky Rubio (roll those rs) and Rudy Fernandez pm consecutive 3-point attempts with less than 7 seconds to go. This win demonstrated some real grit for the Americans and could be a harbinger of their FIBA play once the games start to count this Saturday. We'll probably see them take leads and then let teams back into the game with poor offensive continuity and bone-headed decisions. Hopefully, they'll continue to walk away on the right side of hotly contested games.

Onions!

Hey readers,

Our blog, "Gimme Some Onions!" is named after the famed college basketball announcer, Bill Raftery. Watch the first 10 seconds of this clip to see Raftery in action. We want to talk about all things sports as well as some cultural, social, and political issues that affect sports. We'll err on the humorous side of things, this is not the place to read lengthy diatribes about issues like how Tiger Woods' infidelity damages the institution of marriage (in fact, this is the place to find out why Tiger Woods' infidelity makes him awesome).
We’re a collection of college grads/current students scattered across both coasts and two continents and we’re excited to write about topics that will make you think/laugh/keep coming back for more. Let us know what you really think with your feedback (we have tough skin, and if we don't like what you have to say, we'll find you...) Hope this is the first post of many

gimme some onions staff

Check out this quick blurb on where Raftery came up with "onions!" and what it means:

(This is taken from an interview with Ian Eagle, Raftery's CBS broadcast partner. The whole podcast with Eagle can be found here)

Eagle: “I remember it vividly. It was my first year and the Nets were playing a game down in Miami. And Kevin Edwards hit a big three from the corner to give the Nets a one-point lead late in the game. I had the call: ‘Edwards from the corner, three is GOOD.’ And Raf goes, ‘OOOOH, ONIONS!!!!’
And I turn to him, and I knew Raf’s (Raftery) Raf-to-English translation like the back of my hand. I was able to provide listeners with the track that they needed to follow along. But I had no idea what he was talking about. So I turn to him during the break and say, ‘Bill, Raf, I don’t get that, what is that? Onions? What, it was so good that you cried?’ He said, ‘Hey Bird (Raf’s nickname for Eagle) ... BIG BALLS.’ And that was it. That’s when ONIONS was born.”